


healing and patience are lovers

by bluroflights



Series: i was made for loving you [2]
Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, I promise, There's some smut, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:35:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluroflights/pseuds/bluroflights
Summary: Carina and Maya try to find their way back together again. It's easier said than done.(AU after the end of S3)Inspired by silkbonnet
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Series: i was made for loving you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022010
Comments: 75
Kudos: 374





	1. TIMELINE

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! 
> 
> In an effort to distract myself with the Presidential Election (I'm an American, god help us) and trying to make it to the S4 Station 19 premiere, I decided to write this piece on how I think Maya and Carina could find their way back to each other. This piece is largely inspired by @silkbonnet and their incredible Marina fics. I haven't written a long-form piece in a while, and nothing as long as this (mostly because I get lazy and stop writing), but my goal is to have at least one chapter up every day until the 12th. So, I might have 5 more instillations but from what I have in mind, it might be more (and maybe continue after the show starts again). It's also my first time writing smut so pls be gentle with your reception!
> 
> Also, something important to note: the fic will be in third person but will alternate each chapter between Carina and Maya in point of view. 
> 
> Let's get to it! Hope you enjoy!

[TIMELINE:]

**Maya:**

2006 – HS Graduation ( _Age: 17-18_ )

2010 – Graduated College ( _Age: 21-22_ )

2012 – London Olympics ( _Age: 23-24_ )

2013 – Entered and Graduated the Firefighting Academy ( _Age: 24-25_ )

2020/2021 – when this story takes place ( _Age: 31-32_ )

**Carina:**

Graduates HS, parents get a divorce and mom takes Andrew away to the U.S. _(Age: 18) / (Andrew’s Age: 11)_

Graduates Medical School in Italy, mom dies, goes to New York for residency _(Age: 24) / (Andrew’s Age: 17)_

Finishes Residency and becomes medically licensed/board certified to practice in the U.S., ends up moving back to Italy because of her father, fellowship in France _(Age 28-29) / (Andrew’s Age: 21-22)_

Moves to Seattle, starts research project at Grey-Sloan _(Age: 35) / (Andrew’s Age: 28)_

When this story takes place _(Age: 38) / Andrew’s Age: (31)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Created after writing chapter 6 - so a few details in earlier chapters were changed to reflect this new timeline.  
> /  
> The ages I used for Maya and Carina (and Andrew) are taken from the actors who play them and being completely honest, they all actually line up perfectly with how things would've gone if it were real life! Makes me think the writers did do their research! (Though, they could've also flushed out Carina's storyline and make her more three-dimensional if they had as much time as I did researching this, but oh well).


	2. Carina

_healing and patience are lovers_

_don't place the blame on your heart, just to make 'em stop_

_just take your time to recover_

_'cause it's easier said, it's easier said than done._

**_\- alessia cara, “easier said”_ **

_**//** _

She had forgiven her.

No, really she had.

But forget?

Absolutely not.

And to be brutally honest, Carina never thinks she will. How could she? The wounds Maya had inflicted that night may have healed, leaving only a mere scar, but the memory of how vicious and cruel she had been? Yeah, that was branded straight into her hippocampus and amygdala.

It had been a little over two months since Maya had spilled her heart out in the middle of Grey-Sloan’s courtyard, profusely apologizing and begging for a second chance. Carina gave her one. But just because she had didn’t mean that things would just go back to normal. There was no going back, and there was no _normal_ ; they had to find their way again, but it was proving harder than either imagined. Maya was true to her word – she made sure to use every day to earn back Carina’s trust. And Carina could tell how hard, like _truly_ how hard Maya was trying but something in her was reluctant to give it.

It’s not that she regrets her decision to take Maya back – she meant what she said about loving her – but being in love with someone who broke your heart was a complex labyrinth to navigate.

Carina always thought of the myths of the Greek and Roman gods as amusing as opposed to historical, but now, she thinks that the ancients were onto something about their views on the creation of soulmates. The myth goes like this: humans were originally born with four arms, four legs, two heads, and two sets of bodies. But fearing their power, Zeus split them into half, destining them to search for their other half for the rest of their lives. While morbid and scientifically inaccurate, there may have been some kernel of truth to the lore. She had never really been the settling down type until she met the fire captain. But there had been such a natural (and wholly unexpected) spark between the two of them. Being with Maya was indescribable, nothing she’d ever felt before with anyone else. It felt like every molecule in her body was drawn to Maya, desperately yearning to be whole – she could tell Maya felt that yearning too.

Their romance built up pretty fast, but it also felt so natural, as if they had been destined by the gods to meet. Maya was her other half; she could feel it. So, she ignored all the warning signs and red flags and barreled on through with hopeful abandon. In retrospect, she knew she should’ve slowed down (and maybe not have pushed so hard), but what had happened, happened and there was no changing that. The only thing she could do was move forward, and she had chosen to do so with Maya because she truly believed that this was her person. Regardless of what the other woman had done, Carina saw a future with Maya, but every step she tried to make, she was faced with yet another obstacle, yet another insecurity, yet another wave of emotion stunting her progress. And it didn’t help that she wasn’t over her anger about the whole situation. Most days, it was just a slight simmer, one she could tamper down with breathing exercises or stuffing her face with carbs. But today? No, today as she stepped foot into Station 19, that simmer was creeping up to a rapid boil and if she wasn’t careful, there could be an explosion she couldn’t take back.

Carina wasn’t by any means an angry person. She certainly had every right to be with how the universe treated her; sending her mother and baby brother away, leaving her to essentially take care of an unstable father; and giving her sweet baby brother the same turbulent illness; but she took it all in stride. Those were the way things were and those were the things that she had no control over, things that the universe fated for her. There was already too much negativity in the world – Carina needn’t add to it. She wanted to be a change for goodness. At the end of the day, Carina DeLuca was a romantic, and an optimist (a pragmatic one, but one nonetheless). She wanted her life to be joyful and full of light and love, and she wanted that for the people around her as well. It was one of the main reasons she’d gravitated towards obstetrics-gynecology. There were amazing things she could accomplish and she knew that the universe put her in it to achieve those things. There had always been a fire in her, one that reflected itself in the way she lived and loved. There’s no doubt that her Italian side lent itself to molding in her a passionate flame. But as everyone knows, there’s two sides to fire. And in an instant, something so warm and beautiful could become so deadly. She saw that firsthand with her father but also as a witness to the world around her – the rage, the hate, the loathing – and at an early age, made an executive decision to never let her flame become dangerous. She refused to be engulfed and driven by such hazardous flammables.

But as everyone also knows (and something her girlfriend is all too keenly aware of), fire has a mind of its own, and can’t always be controlled.

Looking into Maya’s office, Carina could feel her fire change direction.

Up until this point, she had taken everything the universe threw at her in stride. The most negative emotion she’d felt towards the abstract concept was mild irritation, or frustration at best. This rage she had though, that was new. If the fates had destined Maya and Carina for each other, why had the thing to become between them have to be a deliberate choice to hurt her? Why couldn’t it have been a misunderstanding or an external force. Why did it have to be _this_? 

After that night, she had frequently imagined what had happened. It was like a horrible video that she never wanted to see and couldn’t turn off stuck on a loop in her head: watching the woman she loved throw herself at her ex-boyfriend. Every time she closed her eyes, that’s all she saw and it tormented her for days. _Was this her fault? Had she pushed too much? Why had she pushed so hard? Had Maya been faking it the whole time? Had their relationship meant anything to her? Had she? Had she just been a rebound from Jack? Did she just imagine the whole thing?_

She spent days spinning, and reeling from the devastation. It was all just too much and the only way to stop the scenarios from forming in her head was to put 110% of her focus on work. She threw herself into it, picking up doubles and overnights without respite. She’d become a shell of her former self, focusing too much on efficiency and lacking in the radiant warmth she normally exuded. Not to mention, the bags grew heavy under her eyes and the slump in her shoulders weighed her down immensely. It hadn’t taken long for others to notice, and soon her colleagues – her _friends_ – made it their personal mission to get Carina to slow down, and take care of herself. Amelia, Maggie, Bailey, Meredith, and Teddy’s warmth managed to get Carina to open up and once she did, it was like the floodgates had opened. Everything she had been holding in burst onto them, and her friends – her lovely, amazing, wonderful friends – took it all in stride. They had helped to ease her heartbreak and her spiraling thoughts, making her see reason, but nothing to placate the memories or scenarios running through her mind. And even now, after many arguments, and all of Maya’s explanations and apologies, they still played fresh in her imagination.

Carina had naively hoped that after Maya’s apologies, after Carina took her back, after they reconnected and refamiliarized themselves with each other’s touch, professing love and commitment, it would all be over. But of course, life never made things that simple.

_Carina pushes Maya hard up against the front of her door, kissing her forcefully and nipping at her lower lip. She relishes in eliciting a soft groan from the other woman. She makes quick work of Maya’s jacket and hoodie as they both slip off their shoes and throw it in any free direction._

_Maya clamors to wrap herself around the taller woman but Carina pushes back, trapping her wrists above her, against the hard surface._

_“Il mio,” Carina growls against Maya’s neck, kissing the spot right below her jaw that she knows drives her crazy. “Sei il mio, amore.” Carina sucks on her pulse points, determined to leave shiny, new markers on her girlfriend’s body. She sucks and scrapes against the curve of her neck, soothing by licking and peppering the locations with kisses only when she’s confident she would leave her mark._

_The more people saw it, the better._

_“Ugh, Carina,” Maya moans, tilting her neck to give her more access and laying it against the door, content to let the Italian have her way with her._

_Carina works her up in all the ways she knows how, relishing in the way Maya moans and squirms in her grasp, sometimes biting her lip in pent up frustration. By now, she knows the other woman is soaked. The thought sends a rush down her spine and contributes to her own wetness._

_Finally letting go of her wrists, Carina works her hands under Maya’s shirt, exploring the soft skin of her abs and torso until finally making their way to her breasts. Her nipples were already hard and waiting for her touch. Carina bit her bottom lip just thinking about taking one of them in her mouth._

_“Take off your shirt,” Carina orders, and Maya quickly complies._

_“No bra?” Carina smirks._

_Maya laughs, shrugging seductively._

_She palms Maya’s breasts, gently kneading them and brushing her thumbs slightly over her nipples. she feels Maya shiver in response._

_Then, at the sight of a half-naked Maya, writhing under her touch, Carina kisses her hard. Carina slides her tongue between Maya’s lips, effectively swallowing her moans. Her hands make their way around her back and slide deftly under her jeans in an effort to grab her firm ass. Maya is all muscle and that bit of knowledge is something that drives Carina crazy. She slides one leg in between Maya’s, drawing their hips closer, pressing her thigh up against Maya’s center. Maya snakes her own hands against Carina’s clothed body and find themselves wrapped around the back of her neck. Carina pushes her thigh up once more and Maya’s all but grinding into it now. She throws her head back up against the door and moans. Carina leans her forehead against Maya’s and watches as she works herself up, tugging Carina closer with every thrust. The sight works Carina up as well._

_The only sound that fills Carina’s apartment now is their heavy breathing and Maya’s occasional moans. Maya’s gently tugging on the hairs on the back of her head, her other hand slightly scratching against her back. Their noses slot against each other and their lips are so close, she can feel the air being expelled out of Maya’s lungs brush against her lips, sometimes slipping between her own two lips. Carina likes to think of the breath in pastels and thinks if she could see their breaths now, they’d be enveloped in a soft cloud-like haze of light pinks and purples._

_She licks her lips slightly and her tongue accidentally touches Maya’s lips. It’s then that Maya makes her move._

_She leans slightly forward to meet her lips and kisses her. It’s softer than any other kiss they’ve had tonight and Carina falters a bit, but Maya, with all her strength and love keeps her steady. The sudden shift gives way to a momentary lapse in Carina’s focus and Maya uses it to her advantage, turning them so Carina’s pinned against the door now._

_Maya’s kiss is gentle but it’s still full of passion and spark and Carina knows now, this is headed in a different direction. It’s like Maya’s telling her with her ministrations that she’s ready to be open; that she’s done running from vulnerability. She parts her lips a bit more open in an effort to slide her tongue between Carina’s lips but she lingers slightly right before she does and Carina figures out it’s Maya’s way of waiting. Waiting for her to meet her halfway. Waiting just like before, for Carina to take her back._

_They stay like that for a bit, their lips slightly parted against each other, Maya’s fingers stilled on the buttons of Carina’s blouse. Carina tilts slightly forward but not all the way just yet and she visualizes that cloudy haze of light pink and purple pastels again. It’s swirling around them now and doesn’t wait for Carina’s go-ahead, merely guiding Carina back to Maya. Carina kisses her then and the sound Maya makes is like a sigh of relief and in that moment, Carina does make her choice._

_She deepens the kiss._

_There’s much more heat in it now, some of the fire from earlier transferring into this one but there’s desperation as well. Carina’s never needed any other partner in her life like that way she needs Maya. Something about them just… click. And it’s like the answer she’s never known she’s needed. Carina tells her so as she moans, all melodic and breathy._

_Maya takes that as her cue to deftly unbutton her blouse, untucking them from her pants. She makes quick work of that top button and the zipper as well before breaking away and dropping to her knees._

_She hitches her fingers under the waistband of her panties and stops to look up at Carina._

_Smoky blue eyes greet her and she’s biting her lip, asking for permission._

_Carina looks down then and almost orgasms at the sight. Beautiful women on their knees for her always do it but Maya … ugh, Maya on her knees with that expectant look just makes her crumble. And Maya **knows** just how much she loves it. It’s at this gesture that she knows she made the right decision. _

_Carina nods quickly and Maya makes quick work of her clothes, pulling down her panties and pants in one swift movement. Carina shrugs her feet out of them and swallows in anticipation– suddenly her mouth is dry._

_Maya lifts one leg over her shoulder and inches closer to her center. Her breath ghosts pasts her clit and lips and it all but undoes her._

_Carina lays her head back against the door in an ungraceful thud, moaning Maya’s name as she slides the tip of her middle finger across the length of her pussy, starting teasingly at her entrance, then through her folds, and finally at the hood of her clit. She switches fingers then, to her thumb, as she rubs slight circles around the bundle of nerves._

_“You’re so wet for me, baby,” Maya says. Carina can just see the amused look of her face. It’s the one she uses when she’s teasing or in response to an American idiom said slightly off; the look of endearment that lights up the other woman’s face. It was one of her favorite looks of Maya's because for a moment, her brow would be unfurrowed and her usual laser-focused composure would break, and she’d look almost without a care in the world. The first moment she saw that shift – at the bar, convincing Maya to take her up on her offer for a drink – she knew she wanted to do it again and again. She vowed then to give Maya more of those moments._

_“It’s all for you, bella,” Carina confesses shyly. This is the choice she’s making and she knows she’s making the right one when the words coming out of her mouth feel so right._

_(She’d also said that she wasn’t in the habit of fixing broken people but she was a doctor for god-sakes and if anybody was worth her effort, in Carina’s opinion, it was Maya)._

_Maya hums in response and takes Carina into her mouth then, replacing her thumb, and while Maya’s presses against her, she could feel Maya smiling._

_Yeah, so worth it._

_Carina arches her back as Maya circles her tongue around her clit and sucks slightly._

_“P-please, Maya. Per favore,” Carina pleads. She was already near the edge and this was definitely not the time for teasing._

_Maya sucks harder, then releases it with a pop._

_Before Carina can protest, Maya slips two fingers straight into her wet pussy and pumps._

_“Is this what you wanted, baby?”_

_Carina can’t trust herself to speak, letting out only a meager, “S-sì!” Her hands clench and unclench, searching desperately for any sort of purchase to steady herself. One winds up resting atop her head while the other finds its way to the back of Maya’s head, fisting her now short locks, as Maya attaches her lips back onto Carina’s clit._

_“Ugh, yes, fottimi **(fuck me)** , Maya!” She exclaims as Maya pumps harder, sliding in another finger. “S-Sono così vicino! **(I-I’m so close!)**_ **.** _Ugh,” Carina moans louder. “Più veloce, per favore,_ _più veloce! **(Faster, please, faster)** ,” she begs. _

_Maya still hasn’t learned more than a few words in Italian but from their first encounter onwards, it’s as if she never needed a translation, especially when they were in bed. Maya knew exactly what to do and when, sometimes even before she did, and almost always (okay, always) to mind-blowing orgasm. One, which she was definitely on the edge of now._

_Maya’s ministrations speed up, her tongue alternating between lapping against her clit and gently sucking while her fingers speed up, curving slightly and hitting all the right spots. Carina’s a moaning mess at the moment, speaking rapid gibberish in Italian, pulling Maya tighter against her body with the leg wrapped around her shoulder, and her fingers clenching Maya’s hair in a vice grip. She was so fucking close, just a couple more thrusts and-_

_Fireworks._

_She thinks that’s what her brain would look like now if she were placed in the hospital’s MRI machine, a participant in her own study._

_She lets out a melodic cry in relief, her back arching as she trembles against Maya, holding her so close, afraid that without her she’d fall over. The pink and purple clouds wrap her up as she floats back down to Earth, Maya working Carina back down, her touches now lighter and slower._

_“Wow,” Carina lets out as Maya makes her way back to standing, leaving a trail of kisses across her stomach, her chest, her neck, and finally back up to her lips._

_Carina, still caught in her post-coital haze, lazily kisses Maya back._

_They wrap their arms around each other – Carina’s around Maya’s neck, and Maya’s splayed across Carina’s back, holding her tight – and kiss happily._

_Maya’s fingers expertly unhook Carina’s bra, freeing her breasts. Maya nips at Carina’s bottom lip, grazing her teeth against the skin before slotting their lips together again._

_“Bed?” Carina asks between kisses to which Maya nods in response._

_Still intertwined, Carina leads Maya to the bedroom, carelessly peeling off remaining items of clothing. Ah, the joys of living alone._

_Maya’s legs hits the back of the bed and in a sudden move, is splayed across Carina’s queen-sized bed, bare._

_Maya inches backwards until her head hits the pillows and Carina crawls up to straddle her, greeting the blonde with a slow grind as their hips met._

_Carina puts on a show for her then: snaking her hands around her own body, coming up to her breasts and gently fondling, pinching her nipples, throwing her head back and letting out a low moan. Maya’s hips buck underneath, desperate for contact. Her hands tantalizingly caress Carina’s thighs, and then move to her ass, kneading slightly before working their way up her back. She uses Carina’s upper-half as leverage to lift herself up, their bodies now parallel to one another. They’re close enough that Carina can feel the heat radiating off of her lover._

_“God, you’re so sexy,” Maya mewls sultrily, kissing Carina’s chin to get her attention. Carina follows, looking back down, meeting the blonde’s eyes._

_“I’m all yours, bella,” she states, wrapping her arms around Maya’s neck. She tucks a few strands of Maya’s hair behind her ear and runs her fingers through the locks slowly. Her fingers fiddle with the ends, and she takes in this new look; it looks good, makes Maya look a little lighter, freer. She doesn’t know what prompts her to but her voice then becomes serious, almost authoritative, “And you’re mine.”_

_There’s no trace of threat in her words despite the definitive nature. Instead, it masks a questioning insecurity. One which Maya picks up on and answers quickly._

_She sits up straighter and wraps her arms around her body tighter, looks her directly in the eyes, and with the most conviction Carina’s ever heard from her, say, “For forever.”_

That’s when she knew she made the right choice.

But knowing that you made the right choice and being secure in your decision are two very separate things – something Carina figures out in the morning.

They spent the rest of the night wrapped up in blissful euphoria, eventually falling asleep to the sound of each other’s heartbeats and slow breaths. The world seemed like it was almost at peace then.

When Carina woke up in the morning though, that naïve perspective seemed all too ignorant.

Amazingly, she had been the first to wake up, eyes opening blearily to strokes of dim sunlight filtering in through the curtains – looked like early dawn. It had taken a moment to realize her current situation: naked and tangled up in nothing but sheets and _Maya_.

In a split second, she felt a sudden wave of panic roll onto her. Maya’s arm around her torso felt like a crushing weight, and the leg tangled in between hers like the vice grip of a python. All she could think about in that moment was Maya and Jack, and them together, naked, just like they were now. 

Maya was supposed to be _her_ girlfriend.

It was all too much.

She needed air.

She extricated herself from the bed without a second thought, hurriedly picking up her clothes from the trail they’d left behind the night before and rushed out of her own apartment as fast as she could.

That morning had set the barometer for the months that followed.

Carina couldn’t stand to look at Maya, let alone touch her without thoughts of her and Jack together flashing behind her eyes. Being alone with Maya was suffocating, only able to make it through small talk of no substance and of their workdays, but even that was a big issue because Maya fucking worked with Jack! It had even taken Carina a month before she could return back to Maya’s apartment because the memory of that day – the waiting, the anxiety, the eventual soul-crushing moment – lingered within every corner of that place.

Nevertheless, Maya persisted. She set up reservations for dinners that were more often than not cancelled; she bought Carina her weight in flowers and pastries and cups of her favorite coffees; she sent a good morning and a goodnight text every day; she talked for the both of them when Carina couldn’t bring herself to speak more than a sentence in response; she kissed her cheek gratefully even when she deliberately turned away; she took the blame and handled Carina’s iciness in stride, only working harder to earn back her trust.

Maya’s dedication was expected, but what struck her as shocking was the lack of fire that so usually accompanied Maya. She had become a more despondent version of herself, dutiful and pliant, even submissive. It was so unlike her.

Every time she shut the other woman’s advances down and her face fell, there was an ache in the bottom of her heart. But another part reveled in hurting the blonde. She wanted to hurt Maya as badly as Maya had hurt her, in some part because she didn’t want to feel so alone in that heartbreak. Some part of her even enjoyed watching Maya pick herself back up and reach out to her. So, she learned to ignore the ache and continue her punishments.

Her walls were up, desperate to protect herself. Maya had hurt her so deeply and she was too scared to let her back in. Yes, Maya was trying, so hard, and even going to therapy, working on herself, but was it enough? Could she ever trust Maya again?

Throughout the last two months, she briefly wondered whether all of this was worth it. Whether or not they could make it through. Whether it was time to cut her losses. But despite what Maya had done and Carina’s own actions following, the truth remains that Carina loves Maya. And more than that, Carina misses Maya, deeply. She wants to hold her hand again, kiss her with abandon, wake up wrapped in her arms and fall asleep to the sound of her heartbeat. Carina wants to laugh with Maya again; wants to share stories of her day excitedly, answer Maya’s questions and define all the technical terminology she doesn't fully understand; wants desperately to be able to be with Maya, in comfortable silence, feeling safe again. Carina wants her so deeply but she doesn't know how. She doesn't know how to take her back, so she's let Maya be the only one reaching out over and over again.

Suffice to say, Carina's tired.

She's tired of being merely a shell of her former self. She's tired of fighting-but-not-fighting with Maya. She's tired of the awkward conversations and the halting touches and the uncomfortable silences. She's tired of faking smiles and the ever-present passive-aggression. She's tired of being mad at Maya and angry at the universe. She’s completely enervated, and at this point there’s only two roads she can take.

The truth is: the universe wants nothing from her. It isn’t alive. It doesn’t have any sentience. It’s an abstract concept of which Carina has no proof of its desire. The choice is solely up to Carina.

And the real truth is: Carina is still in love with Maya and wants to be. She wants to make their relationship work. She wants more than what they have now because _this_ , whatever this is, is most certainly not healthy. And if they continue on this trajectory, their relationship could soon turn irreversibly toxic – something neither of them want.

Carina looks around the station – it’s empty. That she already knew. Maya and the rest of Station 19 are currently on a call and wouldn’t be back for some time, which was exactly what Carina needed.

Over to her right, the front desk empty was empty as well. That wasn’t right. She knew that today everyone should be on call, except-

“Hello, how can I- Carina.”

She looks up and there’s the person she came here to see. 

“U-um, Maya, she’s, um, she’s on a call right now, do you want me to call her or…” He rambles, making his way back hurriedly to his seat on the front desk.

Watching him squirm is fun but she has things she needs to say.

“No, Jack. I’m here to talk to you.”

“Talk? Um, okay.” He scratches his head, confused. “Yeah, sure. Um, we can go upstairs.”

Carina nods, and waits for him to lead her up.

“Would you like some coffee? Or tea? We got lots of tea.”

“I’m okay, thank you,” she replies curtly, taking a seat on the armchair.

He sits awkwardly across from her on the couch and fiddles with his fingers, runs a hand through his hair, obviously nervous.

She sort of wants to strangle Jack, or at the very least, punch him in the face. It seems only fitting. She tells him as much.

“I want to punch you in the face,” she says.

Jack flinches a bit, taken aback, but replies, “Yeah, okay. I get that. If-”

“But I won’t.”

If one thing Carina knows for sure about this world is that violence and contempt should never mix. While she knows it would be extremely satisfying, she relents because she knows that’s not truly what she wants, or needs. She’s come seeking for answers and closure, and hopes that Jack can give it to her.

Before Carina can ask though, Jack starts, “I’m really sorry, Carina. Like really, really sorry. I know I can’t take anything back but if I could I would. I honestly don’t know what happened-”

“You don’t know what happened?” She asks incredulously. Despite their actions, both Maya and Jack were not terrible people. So, from the man sitting across from her, she expected an apology. She expected repentance and remorse. She even expected groveling. But that answer? Her anger boils back up.

“You fucked my girlfriend, Jack. That’s what happened. You fucked her when you knew she and I were together.”

Carina is absolutely not in the mood to be polite or hold her tongue.

Jack retreats back into himself, sighing. “I know. It shouldn’t have happened, Carina, I shouldn’t have let it happen, I’m sorry-”

“Then why?” She’s still angry but as she asks her question, Carina can feel her anger running on fumes. She’s exhausted and more disappointed than anything. Being angry for the past two months was exhausting, but the truth was her anger was really masking the extreme sadness and hurt she was actually feeling. And confronting Jack, it seems that all of those hidden emotions were now coming to the surface.

"Why?"

He runs a hand through his hair and seems to be considering his words carefully.

“I should have stopped it, and I know this is an excuse, I’m not trying to justify what we did but the only answer I got is that I got some shit that needs to be worked out - and I am working on them – which leads to this pattern of terrible choices. And Maya definitely has some of her own problems. And I think we sort of just gravitate towards each other when we’re both dealing with too much. That day, I definitely was and it seemed like Maya was too and I don’t know, I just egged her on because I knew I could and to be honest, still sorta pissed about how she broke up with me. She and I… It’s unhealthy for sure and,” he shrugs before continuing, “I don’t know, my therapist says that people like us, when we’re on our way to something good and starting to break out of unhealthy habits, we become scared and revert back to the things we know and start self-destructing because our brains are trauma-wired to view it as comfortable and safe, even though it’s really not. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it but that’s the best answer I can give you.”

Carina nods. She understands it completely. As a doctor, of course she gets it – she understands the impact of trauma on psychology and on the brain – but she also understands it as a human - she’s seen more than her fair share of how the trauma-brain can wreak havoc, but it doesn’t make her any less protective of herself, or willing to give back her trust to Maya. She knows both of them aren’t necessarily terrible people, and that both are trying to be better and do better, but Jack’s answer doesn’t reassure her that it won’t happen again. That’s what unnerves her.

She can’t help but wonder, “Are you still in love with her?”

Jack opens his mouth to speak and Carina watches him more carefully then. He quickly closes it takes another moment. Her hands are clenched tightly, as is every muscle in her body, as if protecting herself in anticipation of a hard blow.

Jack looks into Carina’s eyes, then says, “I don’t know.”

She isn’t sure what to do with that answer.

“I don’t actually think we were ever in love with each other in the first place, though. Not truly. Not in a healthy way. Not what you two have.”

Carina looks at him confused then. She doesn’t know what he’s talking about. She, of course, knows that what she and Maya had was special and held so much potential for more but she doesn’t know what Jack’s trying to get at.

Jack smiles at her then. “You do know that you’re the only person Maya’s ever been in love with right?”

She stills. That’s entirely new information.

She knew that Maya had been more of a one-night stand, casual dater, but up to now, Carina had also been as well. They were both romantic free spirits and that’s a part of what drew the Italian to the blonde in the first place. Carina had never been in love with anyone as much as she was with Maya, but there had been times before where she’d cared for other partners deeply, even going so far as exchanging the four letter word. While Carina was a bit older than Maya, Maya was 32 and had lived a broad life of her own. There had to have been important people before her, no?

“Actually, I don’t think she’s ever loved anyone at all. At least, in the time that I’ve known her, she’s never mentioned anyone. I mean there's Andy, but I don't think she’s ever let anyone come as close as you.”

That’s what Maya had said to her in the middle of Grey-Sloan’s courtyard too, but there had been so much else distracting her that the weight of that particular confession hadn’t dawned on her then. Now, things make more sense.

Carina lets out a breath. Tears prick at the corners of her eyes as the tension in her body slowly dissipates.

“I know I can’t take back what we did, no matter how much we all want to. But I do know that she is in love with you. Truly, madly, and deeply. What Maya and I had… I still can’t define it fully but it wasn’t love, at least not in the healthy way. In all the time I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her happier than when you and her got together. And you know, she’s wound pretty tight,” he smiles a bit, trying to ease the tension. “It’s the real stuff that I can only hope for.”

Everything he’s saying is a lot to take in. She feels utter relief but the overwhelming nature of it all leaves her trying to steady herself. Carina only nods in response and they sit there for a moment as she tries to internally collect her emotions, to keep them in check.

“You can still punch me if you want though. I feel like that’s only fair,” Jack jokes after a moment.

Carina laughs then, watery and deep. “As much as I want to, I won’t. I don’t think violence will solve anything for me.” She looks pointedly at Jack then, and says, “But you do owe me some pretty big favors.”

Jack smiles in relief, and extends his hand, “Deal.”

She looks at it, immediately conflicted, but when she does make a decision to shake his hand, it’s like seeing clear again; a wiper clearing off a heavily soaked windshield.

Just then, she hears commotion outside the room.

“No, that can’t be right. I heard her say Deshawn.” Vic’s energized voice echoes throughout the space.

“No, it’s Dijon.” Travis replies.

“So, you’re telling me that they named their son after mustard?!” Vic turns around, incredulous, continuing to walk backwards into the kitchen. The rest of the team follows behind, laughing and throwing in their own comments, and soon the relatively quiet space turns raucous.

“Looks like they’re back,” Jack says, getting up.

Carina nods in agreement and gets up as well.

Before Jack can walk past her, he stops and apologizes once more, “I genuinely am really sorry Carina. I know you may never forgive me and that’s completely okay, but I need you to know that I really regret what happened. And it will never, ever happen again.”

It better not.

“Thank you for the apology, Jack.”

Jacks nods in response.

“And not even the good kind, a shame,” she hears Vic say.

“What?! Dijon is the best mustard,” Warren exclaims.

“So you’d rather name your son French than Dijon?” Travis chimes back in.

“No, I’m saying both are stupid but in the mustard world, classic is better. Come on, Andy, Maya, help me out here.” Vic responds, calling over to the two other women, who are the last to come up the stairs.

“Both are stupid, and you’re all wrong. Honey mustard is where it’s at!” Jack chips in, making his way out of the lounge.

Maya turns towards Jack and she opens her mouth to respond but her eyes fall on Carina, who’s still standing in the middle of the lounge. Whatever she was going to say seems to have disappeared on the tip of her tongue as she does a double-take between the two of them. It seems like a million thoughts are racing in her head when she makes her way towards Carina.

A few people outside groan at Jack’s two cents while Andy says, “You’re all wrong. Mustard is just disgusting. Periodt.”

There’s more arguing, friendly banter being exchanged back and forth, but Carina hears none of it as Maya makes her way closer.

“Hey,” Maya says, surprise and confusion written all over her face. She’s covered in soot and there’s a slight cut on her forehead and she seems to be favoring her right leg.

“Hey,” Carina replies back, her voice soft. “Are you okay?” She brings her hand up to Maya’s head and runs her thumb over the cut, putting slight pressure on it.

Maya winces slightly but leans into the touch. She takes a second before answering, Carina’s actions probably a drastic shift from what she’d experienced during the past two months, but quickly composes herself. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just tripped on some stairs like an idiot. Just rolled my ankle a bit. Should be fine in a couple of days.”

“Don’t do too much on it, okay? You need to rest.” Carina’s voice is firm but gentle. Maya's stubborn and often ignores injuries, opting for sheer will and strength over rest, and most of the time to her detriment. It's a trait Carina knows she's carried on over from her relentless training days spurred on by an equally relentless father, the most prominent example being her gold medal win, running on a sprained ankle.

Maya smiles, “Yeah, okay.” While only slight, it was nice to see her smile again, and really nice to speak freely without any strain. 

Carina’s hand falls back to her side. “And make sure to clean out that cut. Put a band-aid on it.”

She nods. “I will.”

They fall silent for a moment, both unsure of what to do next. Carina's extending a bridge back between them but Maya seems to still be a bit confused and unsure in her actions. It's so unlike her. 

“W-what, um, what are you doing here? I thought you were with Amelia and Maggie today. If I’d known you were coming, I would’ve-”

Carina stops Maya’s rambling then, “I’m going to see them later.”

“Oh, okay. So…”

“I needed to speak with Jack.” Carina says pointedly and honestly.

“Oh.” Maya seems even more unsure of what conclusion to draw than before. She looks towards the dining area where Jack and the rest of the team still bickering. Carina looks over then too, catching Jack’s eye. He gives her a small smile and nod.

“Is everything okay?” Her voice is smaller than before, and the smile on her face from before is replaced with a furrowed brow and worry lines. Though she doesn’t say it, Carina thinks she actually meant to ask, _“Are we okay?”_

Carina gives her a small smile then. She steps forward and places a hand on Maya’s hip slightly. “It will be.” She says it like a promise, assuredly and with confidence, hoping Maya gets her message.

She does. “I’m off soon. If you want I can bring over tacos from Mama’s and wine.” There’s so much hope to her voice that Carina wants so much to say yes. But she’s meeting up with Amelia and Maggie for drinks and they’ve planned a whole girls’ night with Meredith for later. It’s so tempting to cancel and say yes to Maya, but she knows that they need to have time to digest this new development and have a real conversation before moving any further. And there’s been a lot of new information dumped onto Carina today that she needs to catalogue, and it’d be nice to talk with Amelia, Maggie, and Meredith about it, get some fresh, objective, and (hopefully) rational perspectives.

Carina tries to let her down gently as she can, desperate for Maya to understand that this isn’t another one-step-forward-four-steps-back kind of situation; she just needs a little time. She shakes her head, “I can’t tonight.”

Maya stills, the same way she's been doing before uncharacteristically acquiescing and hardening herself back up. Carina speaks again, quickly, before Maya has time to be settled with disappointment again, “But I’m free tomorrow morning. We can do coffee before my shift.”

“Piccolo's?”

Carina smiles. It’s her favorite coffee shop in Seattle, a classic Italian _bar_ , with all her favorite coffees, pastries, and later on in the day, wine. “Sounds perfect. 6:45?”

“I’ll be there.”

Carina has no doubt she won’t be. And probably early too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I took away Carina's age regarding her being left in Italy with her father, I was watching Grey's and found a scene where Andrew explains that he was about 11 when he moved to America, and while creating a timeline, found that to hold true.


	3. Maya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - looks like I've already failed my own challenge. No surprise there. I'll still be updating, probably on this schedule - every four or five days. But that's not for certain either, depends on the length of the chapters. Regardless, I have an outline of the chapters to come (looks like it's gonna be way more than 6 chapters, so there's that) so they will get written, I promise! I'm hoping to finally finish a long-form fic even if it kills me!
> 
> EDIT: Also! I should say (though you've probably already figured it out) I'm not including covid and quarantine in this imagining of Maya and Carina's relationship post-S3 because it's just a whole can of worms I do not want to open, and I'd rather not write about something so anxiety-inducing. I am however excited to see how S4 will deal with the pandemic.

Maya slings her coat over the back of her chair and sits down at her table. She plays with the collar of her turtleneck. It’s mid-December and annoyingly cold outside but not enough for snow to fall. She looks at her watch. It’s 6:35. 10 more minutes.

Maya has been up since 4:30 in the morning, a ball of nervous energy. The night before, after their shift, the whole team had gone out for drinks but Maya had been distracted with the prospect of today. She hadn’t asked Jack what they talked about it, opting to respect Carina’s privacy, but she desperately wanted to know. While the rest of the team eventually brought her out of her spiraling thoughts, the coffee date still loomed in the back of her mind.

She had no idea what Carina and Jack talked about yesterday but it seemed to mend fences. The past two months were hard, to say the least. Carina had been uncharacteristically cold and nonchalant, even passive aggressive at times. It’s like they suddenly forgot how to be around each other – awkward and harsh and restrained. Maya knew they wouldn’t just go back to what they were but she had certainly not expected this. They’d had an amazing night after Carina had taken her back and some part of Maya thought that the hard part was over. She understands now how naïve it was to think that. She’d woken up in an empty bed that morning, and not too much later, realized she was alone in an empty apartment as well.

Maya had always been good at compartmentalizing and repressing her emotions, but her father’s physical assault in front of that entire crowd the day of the hospital bombing was the last straw, and everything she had been in denial about came barreling to the surface. Carina had been right – like always. She decided then to cut her father out of her life but that wasn’t the only family she had. She’d realized after the incident with her father that family was the most important thing for her, but her extraordinary ability to self-sabotage seemed to have done its job too well in blowing up her relationships. She had a lot of work to do.

Carina had been the most important person at the top of her list, and much to her astonishment and immense gratitude, Carina had decided to give Maya another chance. That had been all the necessary motivation to do what she could to be a better person. Her decision to go to therapy was simple and supported by her drive to never do something that cruel to Carina ever again; to make sure she did every possible thing in her power to keep their relationship alive. But that was proving harder than she thought it was going to.

Confronting her own actions – her sometimes cold and calculating nature, her detrimentally competitive focus, that she’d destroyed the best relationship she’d ever had for this false idolatry of her father – was unlike any other challenge she’d faced before. There were too many traps her mind had set up for her, it seemed. Her therapist attributed it to her wounded inner child, who had been permanently set to survival mode for the past three decades. That was something she was doing now too – going to see a therapist. After what had happened, Maya knew she needed to do something different and finally get help. Asking for help had been difficult but continuously asking had been much harder. Maya was _not_ an emotion-person but the whole point of therapy was laying your emotions out in front of you. And to a stranger? Woof, Maya’s worst nightmare come to life. But fortunately, Dr. Diane Lewis had been able to take her in. They’d already had a rapport which made the transition a bit easier but what had really sold it was that Dr. Lewis refused to take any of Maya’s shit; she was gentle but firm, never minced her words, never sugar-coated anything to make Maya feel better, gave objectivity to her most difficult experiences, and most importantly, held Maya accountable for her actions. After a few sessions, Maya had likened therapy to training in a way – which it was; it may not have been the physical training she was used to, but it was equally, if not more rigorous and demanding.

Though what followed in the months after were justified on Carina’s part, it still hurt. Every time Carina cancelled a plan, turned away her head, pulled her hand away, or said “goodbye” too soon and too quickly for her liking, there was a pang in her chest; an indescribable ache. She had never felt so powerless or so dismayed before in her whole life.

Still, Maya pressed on because she was a fighter, and was certainly not one to back down from a challenge. But mostly, it was because she had promised Carina she would spend every day trying to win back her trust. And she meant it. No matter how long it would take, she would keep trying. But this was new territory for her and she had rushed into it, not even considering to pace herself. She was exhausted, to say the least, and a much more disheartened version of herself. She had begun to wonder if Carina had regretted taking her back.

She looks around - there’s only two other people here: a young 20-something with two empty espresso cups, textbooks strewn about, a highlighter clenched between their lips, and a pen twirling absent-mindedly in their hand; and an older man with salt and pepper hair, wearing a heathered tweed sweater. She looks at her watch again – 7 more minutes. Maya’s sitting at their usual spot – against the store’s side window and in the middle of the row – though they hadn’t been to the caffé for a while now.

_Carina’s arm is looped through hers as they stroll down the city. She bumps her shoulder a few times, trying to provoke an answer out of her._

_“Fine! Fine, yeah, I may have been a fan of…” Maya mumbles the rest of her words, slightly embarrassed._

_Carina stops then and faces her. “What was that?” she teases._

_Maya throws her hands up in faux-exasperation. “I was big comic book nerd, okay? There, I said it. Are you happy now?”_

_Carina grins, her smile lighting up her face._ God, she really is so beautiful. _“Yes, actually.” She slides her hands around Maya’s waist and settles them, intertwined on the small of her back. Maya responds by resting her own hands the back of Carina’s neck. “Very happy.” Carina is slightly taller than her – a point which the Italian woman teases her about but Maya can’t seem to care much because in moments like this where Carina’s looking down at her with a glint in her eye and a smile on her lips, none of it matters. She’ll take all the teasing in the world about their height difference if it means she can lean forward slightly and meet Carina’s lips like in the way she does now._

_Maya doesn’t usually do public displays of affection but then again, most of her relationships don’t make it to the point where they would warrant such acts. And when she’s with Carina, it’s sort of like the world falls away. It’s a weird feeling that she’s not used to but it’s not unwelcome. Actually, now that she thinks about it, that feeling's been happening a lot recently._

_Before she has any time to unpack what that means, Carina pulls away. She nudges her nose against Maya’s slightly before fully pulling away. It makes Maya feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She smiles._

_“I think it’s super cute. Being nerdy is awesome.”_

_“Oh yeah?”_

_Carina nods. “I’m a nerd,” she says proudly._

_Maya giggles. (That’s new too). “So we’re just two nerds in…” she trails off then, struck by how blasé the rest of the sentence was going to come out. She doesn’t dwell on it though (that would also be too much to unpack right now). Maya quickly recovers herself, clearing her throat to cover up the blunder, and continues, “Just two nerds standing in the middle of the street together?” It’s not her finest cover-up but it’ll do._

_Carina’s smile is bright. “I think we’re more than just standing, no?” Her voice is melodic and the smirk that plays on the corner of her mouth seems to be hiding a message but Carina kisses her then and the world falls away again before she has any time to process her words. Maya has always been better at the physical stuff anyway._

_Carina kisses her soft and slow, their tongues slow-dancing with one another. Maya’s fingers play with her hair, Carina holds Maya tight against her. They’re fully making out in the middle of the street now – she’s aware – but she’s blissfully happy and does not give two fucks about it._

_When they pull away from each other, it’s not by choice. The need for oxygen cockblocks them. It’s for the best anyway, she presumes. It’s not like they can go further than that in public, and she’s not about to give the people around her a show._

_Carina’s smiling at her contentedly and it’s infectious. She really is so beautiful. She thanks all her lucky stars for bringing them together._

_They’ve only been together for a couple of months now, but Maya thinks she could definitely get used to it. It’s a surprising thought, considering she’d been vehemently against monogamy just months before. She was going through a lot but Carina was the one bright spot in her life._

_“So where is this surprise?” Carina asks teasingly._

_Maya grins. Carina had been griping about not being able to find a good coffee place in Seattle, nostalgic for the Italian caffé she spent her whole life drinking. The hospital had mediocre coffee at best and most of the time she wanted to sit in a caffé, drink espresso and eat authentic biscotti without getting up to make her own. But none of the ones she’d been to reached her level of expectation._

_She had been missing home the last couple of weeks, dealing with the anniversary of her mother’s death and her brother’s state of health. She hadn’t divulged much about Andrew but Maya had heard some whispers around the hospital and the station about a breakdown. She knew it had to be something serious by the way Carina’s mood had shifted – she’d become a lot more anxious and distracted, opting to call Maya for desperately needed distractions. Not that Maya minded – she loved their… distractions – but Maya could tell this was something different; Carina was fueled by... what felt like a desire to escape._

_Half a year ago, Maya and her team had responded to a call about a grease fire. When they’d arrived, the whole kitchen was up in flames, and trapped was one of the owners. Piccolo’s was owned and managed by an older couple, both native to Italy. They’d come nearly a decade and a half ago, to be closer to their children and grandchildren in the U.S. The woman, Rosetta, had been trapped in the corner of the kitchen, unable to get out, in danger of severe smoke inhalation. Her team had saved her but the caffé – something they’ve had for so long – was ruined. Maya had taken it upon herself to help them rebuild – they didn’t have much besides their own hands and their two sons’ to help fix the place. Some of the team, when they were free, helped her out as well, and as thanks, the husband, Giovanni, had urged them to come in anytime for a free cup of coffee. Once they’d fully rebuilt, Maya had been the one to inspect their new place. She, of course, knew everything was up to code, but protocol mandated she would have to go there herself to sign off anyway. The inspection approval was quick, but they’d offered her a free cup of coffee, so for thirty minutes, she sat and chatted with Rosetta and Giovanni, for an impromptu break. Rosetta had been not-so-subtly trying to set Maya up with their youngest son since they’d met - it was amusing more than anything and she let Rosetta go on about her charming son – but things were getting more serious with Carina now and Maya finally put her out of her misery, revealing she was spoken for. She talked to them about her wickedly intelligent and beautiful Italian girlfriend who had been homesick for a while, and at the mention of another Italian native, they vehemently urged her to bring Carina with her the next time she came in._

_“We’re already here actually,” Maya says, tilting her head towards the direction of the storefront._

_Carina looks up. “Caffè del Piccolo.” She looks back at Maya, a cute, excited smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye. “What’s this?”_

_Maya tucks a stray lock of hair behind Carina’s ear and smiles back, shrugging shyly. “I know how you haven’t been able to find a good cup of Italian coffee here, and how much you’ve been missing home lately and I know this is no trip to Italy, but I know the owners here and they’re from Italy and they make-”_

_Carina cut her off then, grabbing her face and kissing her hard. “Thank you.”_

_Maya smiles brightly when they pull apart. “Of course.” She releases herself from Carina’s hold and stuck her arm out. “Shall we?”_

_Carina wraps her arm around Maya’s and nods. “We shall!”_

_They had spent nearly five hours there, chatting and eating until the caffé closed. Rosetta and Giovanni fell in love with Carina immediately, joking that their son had no shot with Maya against Carina anyway, and plied them with coffee and sandwiches. Carina told Maya stories about growing up in Italy and Maya and Carina traded stories about their work, their love for their brothers, and their nerdy passions._

_“My brother, he and I were really into graphic novels and comic books. We used to draw a lot together too but he was the real artist and my dad, he, um, didn’t really prioritize it as much. We sorta drifted apart after I got into track but that’s the one thing that we always saw eye-to-eye on. And it always reminds me of him, so…” Maya shrugs._

_“I think that’s really sweet. Do you still draw?”_

_“Uh, sort of. It’s been a while though. I doodle from time to time,” Maya says shyly, more intent on fiddling with a piece of croissant than to look at Carina._

_“I bet you’re good,” Carina says._

_“What makes you say that?” Maya looks at her this time._

_“Well you’re good at a lot of things.” She’s flirting now, recalling a previous conversation but now with a lot more certainty._

_Maya fights back a smile. “Oh yeah?”_

_“You’re so good at…” Carina leans in now, flashing her gorgeous smile and that devilish look in her eye, her voice quiet and low. “Being so much shorter than me.”_

_Maya throws her leftover croissant at her._

_Carina, much to her amusement, catches it with her mouth. They both burst out in giggles._

This place had become “their spot.” At least twice a week, Maya and Carina would stop by in the morning for a cup of coffee and split a sandwich, or come by in the evening to unwind with a glass of wine (and to split a sandwich). Carina would always insist on getting something extra – a croissant, a panini, a cup of fruit – even though it would make them stay for longer than they’d intend to, and Maya – perfectionist, timely queen – never minded because it meant Carina would regale her with memories of her past. She’d say, “My mama used to make these when I was little,” or “I fought my brother for the last of my Nonna’s biscotti once, okay, maybe a lot of times,” or “I lived on these while I was in medical school.”

Maya was never really interested in many people – she often got bored very quickly – but she was entranced the minute Carina spoke. Maybe it was the Italian accent or the gorgeous smile. Maybe it was more than that.

“Cappuccino.” A steaming cup and saucer slides in front of her.

Maya looks up to see Gio, a warm smile on his face.

“Grazie, Gio.”

“Prego, Maya. You’re here early today.”

She gives him a smile – a real one this time – and says, “Yeah, I’m waiting for somebody.”

While Maya and Carina had not been to Piccolo’s since their break-up and subsequent reconciliation, Maya had. She hadn’t come nearly as often as they did, but she would stop by once a week to say hello, and a quick cup of coffee. It helped to come here when she was having one of her bad days, physically drained from work and emotionally drained from therapy and Carina’s brush-offs. It reminded her of all the times they’d gone and all the stories and kisses they’d shared; it reminded her of what she was fighting for. Coming here kept things in perspective. It helped her to keep from getting too overwhelmed and what would surely lead to some poor choices otherwise.

For the first couple of times, she’d lied to Gio and Rosetta about the state of their relationship, wanting to hold onto the good times a bit longer. But her smiles were forced and her responses were short, and they probably knew something was wrong the minute she had walked in. But, they didn’t push. Eventually, she told them and they’d been a great system of support ever since.

“Oh are you now?” Rosetta sidles in, a tray tucked beneath her arm. Her voice is full of hope and all too knowing, making Maya blush.

“Yeah.” She looks at her watch. 5 more minutes.

“The usual then?”

Maya nods with a hopeful smile. “Yes, please.”

Just then- “Ahh, Carina! Mio caro, benvenuta!”

Maya’s head all but whipped in the direction of the entrance. She was early.

Carina’s smile grew bright as she made her way towards them. “Buongiorno, Gio! Rosetta! Da quanto tempo!” Maya stands up to greet her.

“Sì, it’s been a long time.”

Maya listens as the three chat in Italian, Gio and Rosetta greeting Carina warmly, as if they were her own grandparents.

“Okay, okay, we’ll let you two get settled,” Rosetta relents.

Maya’s been staring at Carina pretty much the entire time, entranced by her presence. She’s afraid if she blinks or tears her eyes away for too long, Carina would disappear. 

“Hey,” Maya says, a little too quickly and anxiously for her own liking.

Carina’s eyes softens. “Hey.”

Maya doesn’t know what to do with herself then. She doesn’t know whether she should hug Carina, or kiss her, or hold her hand, or just sit down. She stands awkwardly for what seems like far too long. Carina smiles shyly and moves to sit down. Just sit down, it is.

Carina places her bag and coat over her chair and takes a seat. Her hand rests on the table and Maya wants so desperately to take a hold of it, but keeps herself restrained. She doesn’t want to rush into things and accidentally break the spell. Instead, she focuses on her cappuccino, taking a sip, but still keeps her eyes on Carina.

“How was the rest of your shift?” Carina asks.

“Good. Not too much after you left, just aid car calls so I was just finishing paperwork. You? How are Amelia and Maggie?”

“Good, they’re good.”

“Kinda still hate me?” Maya asks, jokingly but not really. Carina had introduced her to them only once before, when Maya had stopped by the hospital for lunch one time. She liked them well enough – they were smart and badass and funny and kind. They’d all hit it off but with Maya’s crazy schedule as well as the doctors’, there wasn’t much space to fit in another proper “date,” so to speak. But every time they’d run into each other, they’d smile and greet each other warmly, promising each other they’d find a time to all get together. After what happened, she’d received the cold shoulder from those two as well. Amelia and Maggie were much more cordial and professional in their interactions but so was she – Maya didn’t fault them at all – they were Carina’s friends and only trying to protect her. Besides, she’d deserved it anyway.

“They don’t hate you, Maya.”

Maya stiffens. “What about you?”

Regardless of the fact that Carina had taken her back, they weren’t in a good place. The past couple of months, Maya had been walking on eggshells, desperately afraid of losing Carina. And some part of her was so scared that today would be the beginning of the end, but she’d fought through because all of the signs Carina had given her yesterday had pointed otherwise. But still, doubts still lingered.

Carina offers Maya her hand then, reaching out.

Maya places her hand in Carina’s. Shivers run down her spine. She’s fighting back tears as Carina wraps her fingers fully around Maya’s palm and runs her thumb, caressing.

“I love you, Maya,” Carina says then.

“I know you love me,” Maya says. That she’s sure of. “And I know what you said yesterday and I’m trying to hold onto that but I- I don’t think you like me anymore.” She says it more like a question but she doesn’t want to hear the answer. This, whatever this was, that she could do. She would do it for as long as she could if it meant that Carina would be by her side. But every time she looked at Carina, there was nothing but hurt and anger and exhaustion in her features. Clinging onto Carina meant nothing if it was making her miserable.

Carina sighs and pulls her hand away, running it through her hair. “It’s more complicated than that, Maya. I love you, and I do like you but I just…” she trails off, searching the space around her for the right words.

“All I can think about is you and Jack,” Carina admits. “That’s all I can see when I look at you and hear when you talk and think about when you breathe. It’s – it’s…” she strangles the air in front of her out of frustration. “It’s suffocating.

I know how hard you’re trying, I can see that. But I’m just still so heartbroken.”

Maya pulls her hands back to her body then. She knows where this is heading but she desperately doesn’t want to go there. Her voice cracks when she asks, “Then what do we do now?”

Carina shakes her head, “I don’t know. I just know that we can’t keep going on like this.”

Maya’s heart sinks. Deeper than it’s ever gone. She sounds so tired and it breaks her. Maya shakes tears off her face. She lets out a shaky breath. “What are you trying to say? Do- do you not want us anymore?”

“Maya,” Carina draws her name out softly, as if Maya will break otherwise. She’s pretty sure she might. Her hands reach out to her and all Maya can keep doing as she places her hand back in Carina’s is try and breathe. She takes this moment to memorize how the other woman’s skin feels against hers, how it feels to intertwine their fingers together. After all, this might be very well the last time she does so. 

“I don’t want us to break up.”

“Y-you don’t?” Her voice cracks again, pathetically, but she doesn’t even care. All there is is so much relief. It’s like the weight of the world is lifted off her shoulders. She lets out another shaky breath, but it’s easier this time.

“No, bella.” Carina gives a reassuring smile then. The pet-name wraps her like a warm blanket and it’s enough to send her retreating from the edge. “Maya.” Carina’s voice is firm and it gets Maya out of her anxious spiral. Carina readjusts her hold on their hands. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Maya. You’re infuriatingly stubborn and hard to talk to sometimes and more closed off than anyone else I’ve ever known but you’re all I’ve ever wanted.” Carina reaches out and wipes stray tears off her face before putting it back into place, entangled with Maya’s. “You’re brilliant and passionate and beautiful and so caring. And I think I could spend the rest of my life with you.”

The admission takes her by sharp surprise and makes her heart flutter back to life. Only Carina could make her feel like death and also glorious in the span of a few moments. “You do?”

Carina nods, gives a dazzling, albeit tear-filled smile.

“Mmhmm. I do. But if we keep going on like this, I don’t think we’ll get there. Not happily, at least. And Maya,” she moves out of their entanglement and places her hands on Maya’s, squeezing. “I really want to get there.”

“I really want that too.” Maya wants so desperately to get there. She had been taught to live life with one single goal in mind: to get to the finish line. But now, her eyes fall forward to something else. Ever since meeting the other woman, her vision seems to have cleared enough to see that her life could be more than just a race to the end, more than just solving problems to selfishly get ahead. It could be a journey. And the more and more time she spent with Carina, the more she was sure that she wanted the brilliant, beautiful Italian by her side for the ride.

“I thought I had forgiven you but I haven’t. But I think I’m ready to now. I just need you to be patient with me. In order for us to get there, we need to go slow.”

Maya squeezes. “We can go as slow as you need to, baby. I don’t care what it takes, as long as it gets us there.”

“Even turtle-speed?”

Maya laughs. “Yes, even turtle-speed. Snail-speed, if that’s what it takes.”

Carina laughs too. “I love you, Maya.”

“I love you too.”

There’s so much more to be said, and more hard conversations to be had, but for now, this is enough. “Come kiss me,” Carina says, and Maya happily obliges, leaning across the table.

It’s like a hard reset button, and suddenly all the gunk and complications are cleared. The only thing that remains is them, and this moment.

When they break apart and Maya sees Carina smiling back at her, it feels as if she’s finally made her way back home, coming in from the cold. The fireplace, the warm blankets, the hot chocolates, and _Carina’s arms_ welcoming her back. She may look like a mess but she feels much more content than she’s ever felt in her entire life.

An extra cup of cappuccino slides onto the table across from her, being placed in front of Carina. Maya looks up to find Rosetta smiling warmly back at them, giving a slight nod to Maya.

Gio brings along a freshly made Mozzarella di Bufala e Pomodoro and extra buttered croissant. Carina’s face brings out in a wide smile just then, and Maya’s thinking that Spring might just be on the horizon.

“Not so long next time until you come, yes?” She asks Carina.

Carina gives a contemplative look at Maya then and her next words make Maya’s heart soar. “Sì, we promise.”

“Good girl,” Rosetta pats Carina’s cheeks warmly and they both turn to make their leave.

“I think Rosetta and Gio were more torn about us than we were,” Maya jokes.

“I’m surprised she didn’t swoop in and try to set you up with Enzo,” Carina retorts back.

“He wouldn’t have even have stood a chance anyways. She knew that.”

Carina bites back a smile then, opting to focus on her own cappuccino. She lets out a delighted sigh after her first sip.

Maya squints, accusingly. “You only agreed to take me back for the coffee, didn’t you?” She jokes

Carina laughs. “Guilty. Caught red-footed.” She raises her hands in defense.

Maya smiles in amusement as she splits the sandwich then, handing one half to Carina. “Red-handed, baby. It’s ‘caught red-handed.’”

“Oh.” Carina gives her a precious, innocent smile, the one she gives whenever she’s messed up an American idiom and it warms her heart.

Yeah, she’s sure that Spring is just around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!  
> .  
> 2 more days, guys!!


	4. Carina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of thoughts on the premiere + crossover regarding Maya and Carina but I'll save that til the end. For now, all you need to know is that I'm not taking into account what Grey's and Station 19 are doing with the pandemic, but I am keeping canon what happened in the flashbacks pre-covid. 
> 
> Also, as always, please excuse any medical, firefighting, or Italian errors.

It’s been a rough week.

The hospital's short-staffed, the flu taking out a host of attendings and interns alike. And the OB/GYN department was no exception. Carina, who had gotten her flu shot earlier this fall was fortunately saved from the affliction, but unfortunately not from the seemingly endless onslaught of shifts she was scheduled for to make up for the staff shortage. While the hospital had given privileges to other doctors in the area to come fill in, it wasn’t enough.

Carina had worked nearly 60 hours this week and it was only Thursday. She’d worked back-to-back 12 hour shifts Monday and Tuesday, and was nearing hour 24 of her 30-hour shift. She’d be off tomorrow and the day after but come Sunday, was another 30-hour shift.

She’d only slept for a couple of hours today before being paged for numerous consults. She looks at her watch. It was nearly 8am. She sighs and drinks her sludge of a coffee. It’s her fourth cup of her shift. She usually gets it from the cart outside – those are way better – but she’d been relegated to the office coffee, too crammed with work to even get out of the hospital.

Don’t get it wrong, Carina loves her job. She’s honored to be able to do what she does. There’s nothing else she would be doing, but it’s in times like these where she’s sleep-deprived and overly-caffeinated that she sometimes questions whether it was worth it.

(Spoiler: it is).

She rolls her neck, trying to get the crick out of her neck. She’s just come out of 4 hour radical trachelectomy procedure that took longer than it was supposed to and all she wants to do is sleep; her feet are sore and her neck hurts and she’s just utterly exhausted.

She trudges her way towards her office, coffee in one hand and stack of charts and files in the other. When she makes her way there, she’s greeted by a mirage of reds and whites and pinks; a vase of flowers on her desk. Curiosity awakens her. 

She makes her way over to her desk. They’re roses and (pink and white) lilies – her favorites – with springs of lavender. She runs her fingers over the tips, relishing in the delicacy of the petals. She leans down and inhales, a sweet wave of calm washing over her. There’s a card bearing her name sitting neatly in front of the vase.

Carina puts her clipboards and cup of sludge down, and picks up the card. She opens it carefully and at the sight of Maya’s neat cursive, smiles. The exhaustion and frustrations of the day now simply fading behind her.

_You’re extraordinary._

_I love you._

_-m._

While absolutely lovely, the gift perched next to the flowers was the one to truly make Carina’s heart flutter.

Coffee and a puccia from Piccolo’s.

God, she loves Maya.

Carina sinks down comfortably in her chair, swiftly throws away her hospital goop, and reachs for the fresh, enticing Italian roast. She opens the lid and takes a sniff. Caffé Macchiato with oat milk. She all but melts.

The cup's still warm to the touch, the coffee slightly steaming. Maya must’ve been here just moments ago. She looks up at the clock in her office. Maya’s just about to start her next shift and they probably wouldn’t see each other until Saturday at best.

She sighs. She misses Maya.

Carina hasn’t seen the other woman in over a week – their schedules constantly conflicting. Maya’s 24-hour shifts were scheduled while Carina was off, and would be free when Carina was working. And both were way too exhausted to even find a time to meet up on their days off; Maya was fielding more calls on average due to the encroaching winter and Carina was drained after working so many long hours. And there always seemed to be more and more paperwork to attend to. 

The last time they had seen each other in person had been at Piccolo’s. After they’d gotten all the serious, important stuff out of the way, and Maya had agreed to take things slow, Carina felt as if all the figurative relationship-mud she had been wading through was suddenly washed away. She could see her feet again and the path she was walking in. The sudden shift took her by surprise.

They were restarting and though it was full of relief, it was an odd feeling. Sort of like how when you clench your fist for too long and then suddenly move to open it; her emotional muscles were trying to get used to the feeling of being open to Maya again. To be honest, it had felt like a first date – and she said as much.

The rest of their second-first date went well, and with only minimal awkwardness! They’d stayed for longer than she’d intended to, only having to leave when Carina’s phone reminded her that her shift was starting in 15 minutes. It was a bittersweet goodbye, neither wanting to separate, feeling that if they did, they’d break some sort of spell and start back at square one. But the hospital was about ten minutes away and if Carina didn’t want to be late, she would have to leave right then. Maya had taken care of the bill (she insisted on doing so – “you can get the next one,” she’d said, to which Carina relented, taking that promise) and then walked her to her car, stood awkwardly for a moment before moving to kiss Carina goodbye. Carina had been all-smiles the entire day.

There were of course a lot more issues to tackle and much harder conversations to be had, but both had reached a consensus that day with Carina’s admissions that they were in it for the long haul. Their romance up until that point had been more of a whirlwind but now they were going to start again, and do it properly this time. It thrilled Carina.

But not getting to see Maya? That was not thrilling in the slightest.

On Carina’s request, they were going to take their relationship slow. It would give Carina enough space to process everything and provide Maya with the clearest slate to earn back her trust. And most importantly, it would give them the best chance at developing a healthy relationship, where they would respond to challenges together rather than reacting individually. However, it wasn’t as if they were choosing to be away from each other – there were external forces keeping them apart. And while it had only been roughly a week and a half, it was torturous.

Carina digs her phone out of her coat pocket and opens up her messages.

_Thank you, bella. I really needed this._

Before she can see if Maya has read the text, there’s a knock at the door.

“Hey!” It’s Amelia, chipper as ever, and laying on her couch faster than Carina can greet her back.

“Hey, Carina. Mind if we join you?” Maggie follows, sitting on one of the armchairs.

“Oh my god, what is that heavenly smell?” Amelia sits up slightly, taking a sniff of the air.

Carina laughs. “Coffee and puccia from my favorite Italian caffé.”

“When did you have time to get that?” Maggie asks incredulously. 

“Ditching calls now are you?” Amelia teases, her eyebrows wiggling.

“No,” Carina laughs, “Maya brought it over while I was in surgery.”

Amelia and Maggie share a teasing look.

“That’s too adorable. I wish your girlfriend was my girlfriend. I want surprise fancy Italian coffee and food brought to me,” Amelia says and Carina can’t help but laugh. Amelia’s always been good at making her laugh.

“How’s that going by the way?” Maggie chimes in. She’s drinking a smoothie while Amelia takes a bite of her bagel. They both look at her expectantly.

She smiles. Maggie and Amelia had been there for her through the entire thing; Amelia the one to break through the cold shell she’d become following their breakup. Along with Meredith and Andrea (and sometimes Teddy), they’d kept her company and gave her distractions to occupy her mind or shoulders to cry on. And they didn’t judge (mostly) when she decided to take Maya back. She was extremely grateful. The only person she’d known here was Andrea but after his breakdown, she didn’t really have anyone. But slowly, she’d gathered a little family. It was nice.

“I think we’re getting over the hard part.”

Maggie gives her an excited smile and exclaims, “That’s great!” And after a beat, “That’s great, right?”

She gives them a gentle smile and nod. “It is.”

Carina had been hurt by people she loved her whole life, but she had never thought that Maya would be one of them – especially not so severely. She had never been cheated on, and would scoff at those who excused it, or took back their significant others. They just weren’t strong enough, she’d think; the brain too bewildered by dopamine and serotonin to function properly. But now here she was, having done just that. Now, she could see it from a different perspective (not that she necessarily thought that was a good thing). Life – and love, by extension – are so complicated. There are no hard and fast rules to live by, except to be kind and live as happily as you possibly can within the short amount of time that we are given. Everything else is firmly in the gray; muddled with dirt and clouded with fog.

These are the facts: Maya is brilliant and fearless and a force to be reckoned with. She’s had a rough life and can be wound pretty tight. She pushes herself too hard, sometimes to her own detriment, and is definitely afraid of emotions. Sometimes she can be cold and calculating, but those are only defense mechanisms. Inside, Maya is actually warm and soft and so, so caring. She’s immensely empathetic. She’s also insanely charming when she wants to be, and very, very hot. But in no way would Carina describe her as a bad person. That was the gray; this great person she loved cheated on her. Carina understood the facts of that too and why it happened, but the choice she had to make was this: trust her or not?

Carina has made her fair share of mistakes. She understands that in order for people to grow, they must fail. She believes in second and third chances, and that people can change. And while immensely heartbreaking Maya’s mistake was, Carina believes Maya is worth a second chance. Maybe it's rational, or maybe she's just blinded by love, but her instincts told her to love Maya and they knew best. Now, months later, Carina can feel more surely that they were right. _This_ felt right. But what was most important was that Carina could trust Maya again. (Maybe not fully, but she was starting to).

“So when do we meet her?” Amelia asks.

“You’ve already met her, Amelia.”

“No, the new and improved Maya. That one we haven’t met.”

“What?” Maggie asks, confused.

“It’s like me pre and post brain tumor. I mean yeah, we’re the same person but we’re not _the same_ , y’know?”

“That doesn’t even make any sense,” Maggie replies.

“Yes it does!” Amelia turns back to Carina. “It does right?”

Carina nods. She might be subpar at American idioms but it seems like Amelia’s idioms she understands. “We’re still trying to figure things out, but once we’re more stable, yes.”

“Great!” Amelia sinks back onto the couch.

Carina takes the moment to finally launch into her sandwich. She takes the puccia and splits it down the middle. The steam rises from the cracks and act as messenger trails for the smell to travel to her nose. _Mmm. Prosciutto, mozzarella, arugula, olive oil, and yeast._

“I think she’s in love with the sandwich now,” Amelia side-talks to Maggie. She snickers.

“I am,” Carina says as she takes her first bite. _Ugh._ She all but moans. Truly, all of the days’ stress melts away.

“Damn, girl.” Amelia says.

Carina laughs heartily, her mouth still filled with food. She gives them an innocent shrug.

“Wait, does this mean I’m free to take Maya now that you’ve taken up with the sandwich?” She jokes.

“Amelia!” Maggie admonishes while Carina balls up a napkin and throws it in her direction.

“What?! Too soon?”

“You have Linc. And a baby!” Carina says.

“So?” Amelia shrugs. “Linc doesn’t give me surprise food. Or flowers. We’re both too exhausted. And the baby doesn’t even know what coffee is.”

They all break out into laughter. God, this feels good, Carina thinks.

“Those are beautiful flowers,” Maggie says, giving Carina a sweet smile.

Carina spins in her chair to look at them. “Yeah, they are. My favorites.”

At what probably looks like Carina’s love-dazed look, Amelia says, in a general sense, “Being in love turns you into such a sappy mess.” She fake shivers. “How did I become this goopy?”

“Goopy?” Carina repeats.

“Yeah, goopy. Like, goop. I used to be hard as a rock, an unstoppable and brilliant neurosurgeon. Now, I’m a goop.”

Maggie snorts, “You were never hard as a rock, Amelia. You, more than anyone else I’ve ever known, wear your heart on your sleeve.”

Amelia acts offended but then relents, “Yeah, you’re right. But I was a brilliant neurosurgeon.”

“You’re still a brilliant neurosurgeon. You’re just a brilliant goopy neurosurgeon now.” Maggie says proudly.

Amelia smiles into her bite of her bagel.

Carina loves that they’re strong sisters for each other, even if not related by blood. Meredith and Maggie were more of her sisters than Amelia could say about her own, and that support, that love was beautiful to watch.

“How’s Andrew?” Maggie asks, as if reading her thoughts.

Carina looks down, fiddling with the lid of her coffee before taking a long sip.

“He seems to be improving.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Maggie asks, her voice gentle.

Carina huffs and sighs, sinking into her chair and throwing her head back. Tears well up in her eyes. “It is. It is good.”

“But?” Amelia asks for her to go on.

She looks at them then. “I know he’s not our father. He understands there’s something going on and he needs help. But… he’s just- Sometimes, he’s just so…” Carina balls her fingers into a fist. “ _Arrogante.”_

They get the gist.

“And sometimes, so…” Carina looks down now, gets quiet. “Spiteful.” She lets out a shaky breath. All the memories of growing up with her father invade her mind. She shakes her head in an effort to keep them away and keeps going, “But I can tell how much he’s hurting. And he’s my _baby_ brother y’know. It’s just really hard to see him suffer like that.”

Amelia and Maggie are rapt with attention, as she talks.

“But he’s going to therapy, and coming to terms with everything, and this is all just part of the process.” She finishes.

“And he’s doing better.” Maggie says then, authority in her voice, reminding Carina of the positivity.

Carina smiles at her then – a real one this time – wipes at tears on the corner of her eyes and replies, “Yeah, he is.”

Andrea had taken a leave of absence after they’d all staged an intervention of sorts in Bailey’s office. It really hurt to see him like that but it had the effect they hoped for. He was hitting bottom and he knew it. He’d agreed to seeking help, voluntarily going to a treatment center. Carina had dropped him off about a month ago and there were two more to go. Only family was allowed, so she was the one to visit every week. He had his good days, but most of them were bad. They ended in frustrated tears and wounded hearts and abrupt dismissals. But this last time hadn’t ended like that. And that gave her hope.

Carina sniffles and wipes away her tears. “Enough about me. What about you guys?”

Maggie talks excitedly about her new boyfriend, Winston, and how well they’re doing despite the long-distance; and Amelia vents about the frustrations of parenthood and the lack of sleep she’s been getting but her eyes shine with love when she mentions Linc and their baby – she’s still on maternity leave but occasionally stops by to have breakfast or lunch when she needs to get out of the house.

They conversate a little while longer until Maggie gets paged to the E.R. and Amelia follows, wanting to get back home to Scout. Carina finishes the rest of her breakfast in peace. Just as she wads the paper pouch the sandwich comes in to throw it out, her phone buzzes.

It’s Maya.

_I’m glad you enjoyed it._

The smile on Carina’s face is automatic and infectious. She throws out her trash and picks up her phone, her attention now redirected.

_That’s two times now. You said I could get the next one._

The response is immediate. _You still can._

_Then…_

_Maya Bishop, will you go out on a second-second date with me?_

Carina’s heart beats faster and her palms start getting clammy as she looks at the three floating dots on Maya’s end. Why is she so nervous?, she thinks. It’s not like Maya will say no. But the butterflies still flutter.

_Absolutely._

Six hours fly by: she delivers a baby and consults on a pregnant woman suffering through a trauma and talks to patients about their sexual health, tells one that her breast cancer is gone and she’s officially in remission, and has no dead patients – it’s a good day. For the rest of the day the coffee and the sandwich reenergize her; the conversation with friends rejuvenate her; the flowers brighten her office as she works on a myriad of paperwork; and the promise of another date with Maya leaves her with a permanent smile on her face until she climbs into bed that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Okay, so here are my thoughts: I, like you probably, was incredibly annoyed at the lack of Carina and Maya in the premiere and crossover. But as a storyteller, I get it. Each show had a lot to address and the BIG topic of tackling the pandemic to worry about. But they could've given them words to say to each other - like really? just a glance? That was nonsense. But they are moving Stefania to Station 19 so she'll definitely have more screen-time and dialogue, so I'm letting it slide and anxiously waiting for ep. 2 (the summary for the ep explicitly says that their relationship will be a major part). I personally think she's wasted at Grey's. They've relegated her to Arizona's girlfriend, or Andrew's sister, or Vincenzo's daughter instead of her own actual person and it drives me insane. I don't know how the writers are gonna make the switch to Carina on Station 19 but really hope they don't just relegate her to Maya's girlfriend. I want them to give her actual backstory and humanity and hopefully we still get to see her practice medicine (whether on the PRT or when she guest-stars on Grey's). I did love that they gave Carina a story to tell on the crossover event though and that they could wrap up that storyline. Ugh, that scene with Andrew and Carina with all the others was so well done and heartbreaking. 
> 
> Anyways, yeah, that's my take. Let me know yours!


	5. Maya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, Station 19 has redeemed itself! I was literally smiling throughout the entire episode, and in awe of Stefania as always. Finally giving her some character-centric stuff! It was just so great to get to see them together again. And that vid of Danielle and Stefania? Affirming how they live rent free in my mind. 
> 
> If you hadn't noticed, I've listed this fic as a part of a series. The first fic I wrote without any intention of turning into a series so take it with a grain of salt. My plan as of now is to definitely continue on this relationship through my own eyes.
> 
> As always: AU from the end of S3 which means totally ignoring covid, but I will infuse my fic with some small character/relationship things that come up throughout this current season. For instance, the "dad" nickname for Warren though.

Maya lifts her arms above her head in a deep stretch and lets out a grunt, trying to release some of the tension in her back and shoulders. She sways in the stretch from side to side and then rolls her neck around. Today’s been a slow day, with only aid car calls, which meant catching up on lots of paperwork for her. Sitting crunched over at a desk scribbling was not her ideal way of spending the work day. While it was indubitably safer, it was exponentially more boring.

The clock on the wall reads 5:33pm and Maya decides it’s a good time for a break. She hasn’t eaten since noon and she’s starving. Dinner’s usually at 6 but she’s too hungry to wait another half an hour. Maya leaves her office and makes her way up the stairs to the beanery.

The smell hits her as soon as she opens the doors.

“Is that vegan chili?!” Maya asks excitedly, pointing at the large pot cooking on the stovetop. She looks to Travis who’s sitting at the middle of the table with a bowl of his own in front of him. His mouth is full but he smiles and nods anyway.

“Yes!” Maya cheers, making a celebratory fist. She makes her way towards the pot and stirs slightly, the savory smell filling her nose. She closes her eyes and inhales. “Ugh,” she moans.

“I fucking love your chili,” Maya says, grabbing a bowl of her own and scooping some chili into her bowl. “Don’t tell Miller,” she adds pointedly.

He laughs. “It’s not my chili, it was Grant’s recipe.”

“And now,” she uses the wooden spoon to point at Travis, “it belongs to you.”

“Fair enough.”

Maya scoops some sour cream onto her chili. Hey, the chili may be vegan but she wasn’t.

She grabs a couple of fried tortillas, a spoon, some napkins and makes her way to the dining table, sitting across from Travis.

“How are you doing with that anyway? I know you guys dated for a while and that the breakup was pretty sudden.”

Travis shrugs, “I mean it was sudden but honestly, I wasn’t too upset over it.”

“I thought you liked him?”

“I did.” He pauses for a second to collect the thoughts forming in his head. “I think we were doomed from the start.” He scoops a bit of chili with a torn piece of tortilla and pops it into his mouth before saying, “I mean we only just started when I got hurt and that really got the ball rolling when I didn’t even want the ball rolling you know? And then we started talking about marriage-”

Maya’s eyes widen.

“Yeah, exactly. We just went too fast and by the time I wanted to slow down, it wasn’t possible.”

“I’m sorry, Trav.”

He shrugs again, “We weren’t meant to be and that’s okay. To be honest, I thought I had fully processed Michael’s death but I think I still need some more time. And I definitely need to learn to be alone for a while. I think I need to learn to be single and flirty for a while.”

“I get that.”

Travis laughs, “Yeah, I know you do.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Maya asks, a little offended.

“C’mon,” He starts. When Maya just gives him a look, he quotes her, “‘Monogamy is for the weak, Trav. And I am anything but weak.’ You literally had a rotating schedule of hookups every week, Maya.”

“Are you trying to shame me? Cause I for one am not ashamed,” Maya draws the last part out, self-congratulatory and maybe a little bit suggestively. 

Travis shakes his head, “No, far from it. Just bowing to a master.” He lifts his hand in a high-five.

Maya laughs and relents to give him one.

“You were great at getting your freak on and I think that’s what I gotta do now.”

Maya takes an imaginary crown off her head and passes it to Travis. “I now dub thee, a little bit slutty.”

Travis laughs but takes the crown anyway. “Why thank you, my captain. I shall do ye proud.”

They both burst out into laughter.

This felt good. Since Maya got into the outs with Andy and made Captain, it seemed like she had a falling out with all of them too. It made the fire station – a place she called home – lonely, to say the least. And her initial actions as Captain didn’t serve to mend any bridges. If anything, it made things worse. Though, they had all been insubordinate and shady, she was the captain and the state of firehouse relations were ultimately her responsibility.

A few months into her captaincy, they hadn’t all reconciled yet, she hadn’t won them completely over, but she had learned to let go of the reins enough to re-garner their professional respect. She was a damn good firefighter and that’s something none of them could dispute. It wasn’t until recently that she’d regained their personal respect and rebuilt her friendships with them. And both improvements were due to Carina being in her life. That woman was something else.

“I know what you mean by ‘meant to be.’”

Travis has a smirk tugging on the corner of his lips but has enough restraint to keep it from fully showing. “I know you do,” he echoes.

Maya knows he does. She knows everyone does; it’s written all over her face. Sometimes she gets self-conscious about it but then thinks about Carina and suddenly forgets what she was fretting over anyway. 

“You definitely don’t need the crown anymore.” She supposes she doesn’t.

“It’s intoxicating, isn’t it?” Travis cuts through her thoughts, bringing her back to their conversation. She has to shake herself free from more thoughts about Carina to get herself back.

It takes her a moment before fully registering what he said. “Yeah,” she admits, her voice just above a whisper.

“A little unsolicited advice from a friend?” He starts. “Don’t fuck it up again. A love like that is once in a lifetime. You might not get another chance.”

A part of her wants to recoil and hide behind her role as Captain, but he’s not wrong. And she’s learning when the authoritative part of her should be on and when Maya herself should be on.

“Believe me,” she says, “I won’t ever make that mistake ever again.”

“Good, cause if you do, I think I’ll have to check you for head injuries. Your girl is so _hot_.”

Maya almost chokes on her chili.

“What? I may be gay but I have eyes.”

Before Maya has time to respond, another voice vibrantly echoes in the room as it always does. “What are we talking about?”

Maya turns to see Vic by the kitchen island, scooping some chili for herself.

“How hot Maya’s hot doctor lover is.”

“Ugh, yes,” Vic exclaims. “Total smoke-show.” Vic makes her way to the table, sitting next to Travis, across from Maya. She looks pointedly at Maya and says, “Your girlfriend could be a fucking supermodel.” 

Maya tries to act indignant but it only half works. She can’t deny a word they’re saying. Carina was stunning. 

“Hey, you got a hunk of your own. Carina is mine.”

Vic snorts. “I wish, I don’t think Jackson can compare to Carina. He may have those baby blues and that jawline that could cut glass and that smolder that like sends shivers through your spine…”

Maya and Travis share a smirking look.

“… but Carina’s got that sexy Italian accent and long flowing hair. And she’s super nice. She’s like a Mediterranean goddess. Well done, Cap.”

Vic pauses to let those images linger before returning to her food nonchalantly. Sometimes, Maya wonders whether Vic would ever sway. At least a two on the Kinsey scale, for sure.

Maya looks incredulously to Travis who shrugs it off. “Sometimes I think I have to worry about you stealing my girlfriend.”

“If I wasn’t so attracted to dick, you wouldn’t stand a chance,” Vic says, full of sass. “This hair and this body? Please.” 

Maya cracks up in laughter. “Whatever you say, Motahari.” Vic and Travis are chuckling too, imagining what a Vic vs. Maya flirting competition would look like. “What’s up with you and the prince of medicine anyway?”

“Ah, that’s over.”

Travis gives her a look. “What? No, it’s not. You literally went to his place- ”He looks to Maya, “I kid-you-not wearing nothing but a puffy jacket.”

“You did not!”

“Yeah but he answered holding _his kid_.” Vic waves it off. “I just wanted something casual but the man has a kid, he’s not looking for casual and I cannot handle being a mom.”

“You were taking care of Pru, though,” Maya says.

“Yeah, but that’s different. We’re all family. Pru is family. And plus, I’m not into Miller.” Vic changes the subject then, still clearly upset with Dean. “Anyways, back to talking about relevant couples. What’s up with you and Carina? How are you guys doing?”

Maya instantly smiles. “Good. We’re good.” It took them a long time but they were truly in a good place now. It felt so good to say that honestly. “I think I’m starting to earn back her trust.”

“That’s great!” Vic exclaims and Maya can’t help but to feel really happy. “Maybe now you’ll be less cranky.”

Vic snickers and Maya has half a mind to throw her chili at her. Travis redirects her attention, “That’s really good though, Maya.”

“What’s really good?” Andy asks, chiming in from the kitchen. She grabs a bottle of water from the refrigerator before moving to make herself a bowl. 

“Maya and Carina’s epic love story,” Vic teases.

Andy chuckles at the comment but doesn’t dig into it. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Andy.”

Maya and Andy’s relationship had been tenuous at best over the last year but like the rest of her relationships, Maya was intent on rebuilding theirs as well. They had once been the best of friends, practically inseparable and the keeper of each other’s secrets but now they were more like estranged cousins, and at worst, strangers. Both had changed a lot over the past year, suffering through their own traumas, and gone through their own share of life changes. There had been no time to actually reconcile, but the initial wounds inflicted upon each other had faded, scabbing over. They both vaguely knew of things going on in each other’s lives but neither reached out to one another. They both had a lot of things going on and to deal with, and Maya, well she was prioritizing rebuilding her relationship with Carina (and herself) over any other relationships. She also had an important, time-demanding job she had to attend to. But they both seemed to have reached a cordial, somewhat friendly place with each other. They still had history and that would never go away.

However, settling for being at an amicable place with one another went out the window after a rather stressful call about two and a half weeks ago. Maya thought it was too soon for Andy to be back, but the other woman had vehemently insisted and Maya had relented. She realized she should’ve held her ground when Andy had decided to run back into a blazing housefire, directly ignoring Maya’s orders and with zero regard for her own safety. The fire had reignited on the second floor, making any attempts at search and rescue impossibly dangerous. Maya had ordered everyone back while she formulated a plan to surround and drown the fire. Andy had insisted she saw something being thrown out the upstairs window and heard a faint cry for help, and while Maya had been inclined to believe her, it was insanely dangerous for anyone to go barreling inside. See, Maya had a plan: she would order the ladder to be on standby and they would concentrate the hoses on the second floor and once the fire had been beaten back enough, she’d send someone up to climb through the said window and get the civilian out - minimal danger for her team. Except Andy didn’t listen. She’d charged in with a hose of her own while Maya’s back was turned and went all Rambo. Maya was not happy in the slightest. Sure, Andy had gotten the woman out but only barely – they jumped through the window and Maya only had seconds to secure the airbags in place and fully inflate them – and suffered more than her fair share of smoke inhalation and blistering second-degree burns. And the woman had been declared DOA by the time they’d rushed her to Grey-Sloan, anyway.

Suffice to say, the blowout between them when they’d gotten back to the station was _huge_. They were both sensible enough to only start the screaming match once they were in the confines of Maya’s office but the walls weren’t really that thick and she has no doubt that they could be heard by everyone, regardless of where they were in the station.

Both were fierce, bull-headed, and fiery women and neither relented to the others attacks. Maya’s temper was fueled from frustrations about her father, her own stupidity and denial surrounding the issue, and Carina’s coldness while Andy was using her father’s sacrifice and subsequent lie about her mother, seeing her mother again, and the trial separation with Robert as kindle. But in the end, Maya was Captain and had seniority. And that reality cut through the argument. The argument stalled and unsure what to do with the lingering mess, they both ended up apologizing for their behaviors over the past year, hashed out their problems with each other, bonded over the fact that their respective realizations that their childhoods were all lies, and reconciled.

Since then, Andy had been a place Maya could go to when she was feeling discouraged with the state of her and Carina’s relationship. To have someone she could talk to other than her therapist was a giant relief. (Sure, she could talk to anyone about it at that point but Andy had been Maya’s first _person;_ the only person that she’s had ever been able to fully tear down her walls with).

“And I’m seriously really proud of you, Maya,” Andy says as she takes a seat opposite her, sitting on the other side of Travis.

Maya smiles into her next bite of chili. She was really proud of herself too. She’s come a long way. And to be fortunate enough to be with Carina at the end of all of that was the icing on the cake.

“She asked me out on a second date,” Maya says and she’s so excited about it that she doesn’t even care that she sounds like a shy, love-struck teenager when she admits it.

“Aren’t you two already going out?” Vic asks, confused.

“Yeah, but we’re sort of starting over.”

“Aw, that’s cute,” Andy says fondly. “So where are you going?”

Maya shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s up to her. But god, it feels so good. I haven’t seen her in over a week and it’s truly killing me.” She ignores the three of them sharing teasing looks and continues, “We’ve both been so busy and exhausted and honestly, I’d be down to just sleep together.”

Vic wiggles her eyebrows suggestively then. “Oooh.”

“Not like that, you perv. I mean I’d be down for that too but I don’t think she’s ready for that.”

Maya catches Travis hide a smile and it looks like he knows something about her that she doesn’t, and she has half a mind to ask him about it but Andy asks her something.

“You’re really into her, aren’t you?”

Travis answers for her, “Carina’s her great love.”

“What?” Maya asks. She knows immediately that this was what he was hiding behind that smile.

“She’s not like the rest. Not like the ones that are just flings or cause temporary insanity or the ones you settle for. You and her, that’s the real stuff.”

Maya’s quiet for the first time in the conversation.

“Maya, tell me you know that.”

“Of course I know that.” Of course she knows that. It’s just never occurred to her to think that other people could know that too. It’s an odd feeling. And a bit nerve-wracking actually, to know that other people saw how she blew up the best thing to ever happen to her; that everyone else accepted the reality of their great love before she could even accept it for herself.

_Carina’s her great love._

The thought sends shivers down her spine and a jolt right through her prefrontal cortex, and before she knows it she hears wedding bells and celebratory woops and laughter, she sees wedding dresses (maybe suits, who knows?) and rice showers. The images and sounds are so vivid and enticing that they almost give her whiplash. She’s never thought about marriage or even a future with anyone else – it’s always been her (and maybe her station 19 team) and the finish line.

Maya had usually pushed away those thoughts, but if she’s being really honest with herself, they’ve always been there, just flashing through her mind in milliseconds – not enough time for her to fully process them – and tucked in a corner, in the back of her mind. This is all new but where overwhelming anxiety usually would be is instead excitement. It’s thrilling. And that’s even more of an odd feeling.

“Once in a lifetime,” Travis reiterates. He watches as she smiles shyly. He gives her an encouraging smile that warms her.

“Do you really think that? That we only get one great love in our lives?” Vic’s voice cuts through her reverie. Maya shakes herself out of her stupor, clearing her throat in an effort to physically ground herself. She thinks she does a pretty good job hiding her momentary disassociation from reality but as Travis turns to Vic to reply, she catches Andy looking at her funny. If there’s something on her mind, she doesn’t voice it – much to Maya’s relief.

“I don’t know, that’s just the saying.”

“But do you believe that?”

Travis thinks for a moment and then says, “You know how people believe in soulmates, right?”

Vic nods, “I believe in soulmates.”

“Right. So there’s the traditional belief pounded in our heads through cheesy rom-coms and tv dramas that there’s only one person that’s meant for you. I think that’s mostly crap. Yeah, you might get that one great love once in your life but I think that everyone has multiple soulmates throughout their life at different points of their lives and it doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic. Like you and I, y’know.”

“Awww,” the three of them coo.

“I knew you were a big softie,” Vic says as she wraps Travis is a side-bear hug.

“Okay, alright,” Travis tries but ultimately fails to get Vic off of him. “This is not what I wanted!”

Maya and Andy chuckle at his misery.

Eventually Vic lets go of him. “I gotta rush home now and put this in my diary,” she teases, poking his shoulder.

Travis grins. “After I lost Michael, I thought that I’d never be myself again,” he gives Vic a playful little bump of his shoulder, “But you brought me back.”

Andy and Maya share a meaningful look as Vic looks like she’s about to cry, so Travis says, “I lost the love of my life but I gained an equally messy-ass roommate, so who really lost anything?”

Vic gives him a faux-offended look. “I am _not_ messy!”

“Tell that to my kitchen sink full of dishes!”

“ _Our_ kitchen sink and what kind of maniac washes dishes immediately after they eat _in their own house_?!”

They’re bickering like an old married couple but there’s love in their retorts nonetheless. Maya supposes Travis’ theory is somewhat right.

Andy chimes in, in an effort to get them to stop this from turning into a poking war or a food fight. “I never thought of it that way but get what you mean. It’s like what my abuela said about returning to people you’ve lost when you’re dead.”

She gets them to turn their attentions on something else. And Maya’s along with them. “What?”

“Yeah, what are you on about, Herrera?” Vic asks.

Andy looks between the three of them. “You know… reuniting in death?” She looks to Travis who shakes his head and shrugs.

“You gotta explain, Andy,” Maya says, amused.

“My abuela always used to say, ‘ _El sello de un gran amor es cuando estás seguro de que te reunirás en la muerte._ ’ ‘The hallmark of a great love is when you’re sure you’ll be reunited in death.’”

Wow.

“Wow, alright abuela. Hardcore,” Vic says, admiringly.

“My abuela died about ten years ago but lived like 20 more years after my abuelito died. She had her fair share of boyfriends and even got remarried. When I used to ask her about it, she used to say that there was another lifetime with him she was waiting on but in this lifetime, he wasn’t here anymore and that she had to keep living until she could go to meet him. That when you die and go to heaven, your ancestors and your loved ones are waiting for you on the other side and he was waiting for her on the other side. And I think that’s sort of what Travis is talking about. You might get more than one love in this lifetime but out of all of them, you have that one great love that makes you feel whole, that makes you want to return to them in the next lifetime. For you,” she gestures to Travis, “that’s Michael.”

Travis smiles a little bittersweet smile. “Is that Sullivan for you?” He asks. Maya notices a bit of caution in his voice and she can’t help but agree with it. Andy and Sullivan happened so fast (not unlike a lot of other romances at the station; perhaps that was a trait of a firefighter) and it came completely out of left field that no one knew what to do with it. And sometimes when Maya looked at Andy, she wasn’t too entirely convinced of the endearing words for her husband coming out of her mouth.

Andy pauses. Maya can practically hear the gears turning in her brain. When she finally decides to answer, she shakes her head. “No.” Before anybody has time to prod, she continues, “I mean I love him and he loves me and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I do think our love is great, but I don’t think he’s my great love. I mean I don’t think I’m his either.”

Maya looks at her curiously then.

“If death reunites us with our great loves, Robert has his late wife. And I have…” Andy trails off, it seems like she’s debating whether or not to admit what she’s going to say next. It seems like this is the first time she’s processed it for herself when she says, “I’ll see Ryan.” A little smile stretches across her face.

Maya’s taken aback. “Wow, I think that’s the first time you’ve ever admitted that.”

Andy nods in what looks like agreement but doesn’t say anything else. Maya doesn’t push.

“It would be nice to see Ripley again,” Vic says, voice low. Travis takes a hold of her hand and squeezes in support. Vic gives him a smile back as if silently telling him she’s okay.

“I think Carina’s your great love,” Andy says then. She’s definitely teasing and trying to provoke a reaction out of her but her words rip through her like a fast-moving current regardless. There’s a playful, shit-eating smirk on her face, and Maya feels her face heat up. She’s positive she resembles a tomato. She tries to hide in her bowl of chili but to no avail. It’s not like she can dispute Andy’s claim.

“Look at her, she’s blushing!” Vic’s finger points her out, painting a target on her already red face.

“Looks like Ms. ‘Monogamy is for the weak’ just got herself into a committed relationship!” Andy teases.

“That’s what I said!” Travis says, raising his hand in a high-five which Andy reciprocates happily.

The rest of the team have made their way up to the beanery now. Great, Maya thinks. They’re all definitely going to gang up on her now.

“Wow, you’ve gone totally soft Bishop!”

“No, I haven’t!” Maya relents.

“Oh no, you definitely have,” Jack chimes in, his mouth half-full with food. He makes his way to the table and sits on the end of the table. Warren and Miller follow suit with their own bowls of chili and sit on either side of Maya.

“Why has Bishop gone soft?” Warren asks.

“Her hot doctor lover.”

“Carina.”

“Ayeeee,” Vic and Miller both exclaim, forgetting for a moment the chasm in between them in lieu of teasing Maya.

“See, he didn’t even have to know what we were talking about to know.” Andy gestures to Maya. “You’re so whipped you don’t even know it.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re so whipped,” Warren agrees.

Maya glares at all of them but it doesn’t stop any of the teasing.

“Hey, I know what it’s like to be whipped. And I can say better than anyone that I’d rather be whipped than be sad and single,” Warren alleviates. Maya just smirks; she’ll take it. He wasn’t wrong. 

“Oooh burn,” Andy says.

“Ouch,” Travis feigns hurt. “That really hurt Warren.”

“He’s got a point,” Jack agrees.

“Just out here telling the truth.” Warren grins.

“You’re right, I’ll take being whipped to my hot Italian girlfriend than being single any day.”

“Is that a fact?” Andy teases.

“So whipped,” Vic reiterates.

“Looks like the tin man does have a heart after all,” Travis coos.

“Shut up,” Maya says, balling a napkin and throwing it at him. She meant the words to be blistering but the flush in her cheeks give her away.

Travis feigns surprise as he catches her projectile and throws it back at her, but instead of it going towards Maya, it hits Warren square on the head as he’s about to take another bite.

Warren stills and looks up at Travis, who tries to hide behind Vic. “C’mon, Dad, watchu got?” Travis mocks, still hiding. Warren balls up a napkin of his own and throws, which hits Vic instead, and soon these grown-ass firefighters are having a paper napkin-ball fight. They’re like rowdy teenagers, lobbing makeshift balls and teasing words at each other.

That is until one lands right onto Jack’s bowl of chili.

Jack simply plucks it off and continues eating.

“Whot?” He asks as they stare at him incredulously. “It’s not like it was used. 5-second rule.”

They all break out in laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why but I'm not all that confident in how this chapter came together (I mean I like it but dialogue between more than three characters isn't my best strength) so please let me know what you think. Would greatly appreciate any critique you have as well as the positive stuff (lol).


	6. Carina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the most fun I've ever had writing anything and probably the longest chapter I've ever written for anything. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it! 
> 
> (Explicit scene incoming)

_“Why do you keep letting people play with your emotions?”_

Carina doesn’t know, actually.

_“Why are you so intent on fixing people who are clearly broken?”_

She supposes it’s the doctor in her. The whole point of being a doctor is fixing broken people, right? Yet her specialty has as much to do with bringing in new life as it does patching people up. So maybe it’s not that.

She once said to Maya that she wasn’t in the habit of fixing broken people. And while she believed it to be true about herself, while there was conviction behind that statement, she gave in to Maya anyway.

Maybe she was just a sucker.

_“Why do you keep going towards people who don’t want you?!”_

Maybe it’s – as all her issues tend to come down to – to do with her childhood. Maybe it’s her mother’s fault for essentially abandoning her and taking her baby brother away from her. Maybe it’s her father’s fault for being as cruel and selfish as he was.

Or maybe, it was the fact that the disease that had afflicted her father for so long had now made a home in the recesses of her sweet baby brother’s brain, and it was causing him to lash out and say such cruel things to her.

Maybe.

“Hey, are you okay?” Maya’s hand lays softly on top of hers and her voice is just as gentle. The caresses of her thumb help bring Carina out of her spiraling thoughts.

“What?”

Feeling is the first sense to come back, Maya’s touch anchoring her. Then her sight: her vision filters back in like a kaleidoscope; Maya’s striking blue eyes and concern etched in her furrowed brows are the first things she sees. Sounds come in slowly: the buzz of quiet conversation, the clinking of silverware against ceramic dishes, and low instrumental music coming from the speakers.

They’re at a restaurant – quite a fancy one at that, one with fabric napkins and dim lighting and burning candles and expensive wine. She's been excited for the past two weeks for tonight – their second-second date (they’d ended up pushing it back several times, work getting in the way, only casually meeting up – visits to the station/hospital, quick hellos and lingering kisses; then Christmas came around, Maya was spending it with her family while Carina opted to spend the time with her brother, visiting him at the treatment center). She even did her hair and make-up, and now here she was at a lovely restaurant with a delicious looking piece of dessert and a third of a glass of wine left and the woman she loves sitting across from her but not able to be fully present.

She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I just got in space for a second.”

Maya smiles at her. “Spaced out,” she corrects.

Carina doesn’t even register the difference though. Usually she’d make an effort to catalogue it in her mind and repeat it a couple times, but she’s too distracted to focus. She’s been good up until now, making casual conversation, flirting and smiling and laughing at all the right moments, even asking and answering questions, but it seems what she’d forced back in her mind decided now was the time to bring itself back to the forefront.

“Hey,” Maya tries to recapture her attention.

Carina gives her an apologetic smile and does her best to stuff all those spiraling thoughts back into the lockbox in her brain. She flips her hand over in Maya’s and gives her a little squeeze. “I’m sorry, _bella_. Just tired is all.”

Maya seems to buy it because she doesn’t push any further.

“Do you mind if we call it a night? I have an early shift tomorrow.” Carina feels bad because they were just getting past the hard part and Maya might think she’s blowing her off again, going back to square one, but she’s just too distracted to be good company tonight. There’s something brewing in the recesses of her psyche and she doesn’t know what kind of devastation it’s gonna bring, and she’d rather not ruin the night with her baggage.

If Maya’s disappointed, she doesn’t let it show. Instead, she motions to the waiter, asking for the check and to wrap up their uneaten desserts. Carina makes sure to pay though – it being her turn and all. And it’s the least she could do for essentially ruining a perfectly good evening.

They make their way outside, leftovers in tow. 

It’s early January and the first bit of snow has just fallen, covering the city in a thin layer of white. In fact, snow’s falling now. It’s just above 35 degrees (Fahrenheit not Celsius, Carina reminds herself), just near freezing – the snow and the lights are pretty but she’s a Mediterranean girl through-and-through so the cold is _definitely_ not welcome.

She’s wearing a thick turtleneck that’s tucked into her fleecy pants, a knee-length peacoat buttoned up over her outfit, a long scarf wrapped around her neck, and gloves covering her hands while Maya dons a crewneck sweater, jeans, a leather jacket, a scarf, gloves, and a beanie.

Maya’s eyes shine under the streetlights and her blonde locks are an angelic contrast to the falling snow. She puts on her beanie and Carina fixes it for her when the edge of the black garment falls a bit too close to her eyes. The initial exposure to the cold air has them fussing and giggling, scrambling to huddle into each other. Carina thinks that they must look like the picture of romance at the moment: arms linked and smiling dazzlingly at each other.

Carina’s place is closer and it seems Maya is intent on walking her home because that’s the direction they’re headed in.

The rest of the walk, though, is silent and Carina gets lost again in Andrea’s words from earlier. They’re a manifestation of his manic and depressive cycles, sure, but she can’t help but think that there’s some truth to them. He may have been suffering when he broke down in front of everyone, accusing a patient and their guardian as part of a child sex trafficking scheme, and again when he stormed into the OR insisting on Bailey and Meredith’s negligence and improper diagnoses, but both times he was absolutely right. Andrea’s intelligence was something she could never deny. So who’s to say he wasn’t right about her as well? If she’s being truly honest with herself, she knows he’s right. After all, she doesn’t have the best track record with relationships. Neither familial or romantic, _especially_ not romantic; her history of falling for emotionally unavailable people a glaring detriment.

The only stable relationship she has is with her two best friends Ilaria and Matteo from university who live back home in Italy (they’ve made it a point to video chat every other week but with everything going on in Carina’s life, that commitment was something she’d let slip recently). And even then, before finally becoming solid friends, Matteo and herself had a turbulent on-and-off romantic relationship for four of the six years they’d been in medical school together.

Her first love though had been a beautiful girl from across town named Gemma, who was a year older and went to a different high school. They’d met her junior year and Carina was immediately smitten. Carina had known she was bisexual at a very young age, and unlike her fellow American peers, she’d grown up surrounded by a less prudish attitude towards sexual confidence. She wasn’t her first, however, Gemma had been the first person she truly cared for beyond sexual pleasures. Their whirlwind affair lasted for a total of three months before Gemma had abruptly broke it off, confessing she was moving to London at the end of the school year, having been accepted to Oxford’s anthropology program. There had been no formal goodbye or real apology, just a half-ass written letter about a paragraph long scrawled haphazardly and left in her backpack.

Throughout her life she had had several other relationships, most of them flings, but when someone interested her, she fell fast and hard. Take Arizona for example. The effervescent pediatric surgeon had been a surprise encounter but they had worked really well together. But right as Carina felt they were getting to some place good, the other woman had up and left, moving to New York to reunite herself and her daughter with her ex-wife without so much as a proper goodbye. While Arizona’s reasons for leaving were noble, it didn’t help to ease the hurt Carina felt at being abandoned yet again.

Which lead her to the brilliant woman currently by her side. Maya, who could quite possibly be the love of her life, had already managed to break her heart, running out on her in the middle of a fight and cheating on her with her ex, only to throw it in her face hours later. And while Maya had made her amends (and gave Carina no reason to believe she would ever do such a thing again) and they were starting to get back to a good place, Carina couldn’t help but still listen to the small voice in the back of her mind, recanting her deepest insecurities and all those previous times people had left her. Maya had left her once, who was to say it couldn’t happen again?

Carina’s great at sashaying through life with confidence and bravado but she had her own demons that certainly weighed her down when no one was around. And tonight, they were at peak strength, emboldened by her brother’s spiteful words from earlier this morning.

Carina is indeed a free spirit, but even free spirits eventually need to a home to go to, a place where they can rest. For the longest time, she had thought home was Italy – and it technically still was – but she found that Seattle, Washington of all places had everything she was looking for: a great job, family, friends, a significant other, and even homemade Italian food when she needed it. She could feel it in her bones that this place was a place she could settle down in, a place where she could feel secure in her future. Yet, there was a nagging feeling (informed by her past experiences) that at any moment, the rug would be pulled out from under her and every single precious hope she’d relocated to this place would become worthless; that she would have to do the grueling work of searching for another place to call home.

“ ** _BEEEEEP!_** ” A loud honk sounded from a passing car, startling Carina out of her stupor.

She looked around for the intruder, the source of that miserable sound and came up empty. They were long gone. Instead, she found herself surrounded by outstretching empty land, dotted with the occasional lamppost and bench, and a whole bunch of trees.

This was not the direction to her apartment.

Before she could ask her, Maya’s already answering. “We passed by your apartment like 15 minutes ago.”

“What?” That could not be right. Had she really been that unfocused?

“You didn’t seem to notice so I led you here.”

‘Here’ was the park nearest her apartment. When the weather cooperated, she’d pick a spot under a tree and just spend hours reading – absolutely no medical jargon allowed.

“C’mon, I wanna show you something,” Maya says. She gives a slight tug on her arm and starts leading her down the main path. Carina follows without protest, half her brain still trying to figure out how they got here.

Maya leads her wordlessly down a diverging path – it was more of a worn-down rut really – that she’d never seen before. Trees closed in on them and it seemed like they stumbled upon a small patch of forest. Now, a little bit a ways from the hustle and bustle of the city, the sky looks less bleak and the stars are shining a bit brighter. The path they're on is angled at a slight ascent and by the time they get to their destination, they'd basically hiked for about 10 minutes.

When they get through to the clearing, Carina’s met with a beautiful sight: a lone bench on a slight cliffside (surrounded by fencing, of course), slightly above the majority of the trees below, outlooking pristine water. It was nearly 10pm so night was already well underway. The moon shone bright tonight and in the horizon, Carina could make out the silhouette of the opposing hillside.

“Ta-da!” Maya presents dramatically.

What a way to bring her back to the present.

“Wow, this is beautiful.”

Maya smiles at her and gestured to the bench. “C’mon.”

There’s an incredible serenity surrounding this hidden-away place and it feels almost like a safe haven. She’s been spinning all night but as soon as she sits down on the bench and looks out at the water, it all stops. There’s no bombarding sounds of a bustling city or any crushing reminders of past baggage here. Looking out onto the horizon, Carina’s reminded of simpler times: summers at the beach with her family before her parents separated, beach parties with friends, the secluded part of the beach Gemma used to take her to.

“My mom took my brother and I here once when we were little,” Maya starts, eyes locked onto the horizon. Her lips curl up in a small nostalgic smile and as she tells her story. It seems her mind is also lured away to another time and place. “This was before track or anything. Before things became hard and Mason and I were too young to notice anything was wrong. There’s a park for kids on the opposite end of the park back there and Mason and I played there for what seemed like hours. We competed to see who could get to the slides first; who could get across the monkey bars the fastest; who could get the most air on the swings. I won, of course.” Maya smirks proudly at Carina.

Of course.

“But he beat me in the race around the park. I totally would’ve won but he had longer legs.” Though it was probably more than 20 years ago, it doesn't seem like she was fully over it. Carina gives Maya an affectionate smile, amused. She could perfectly imagine a tiny version of Maya huffing at her younger brother: arms crossed, pouty lips, and chest jut out proudly, demanding a rematch.

They sit with their bodies facing each other, Maya’s hands in her lap while one of Carina’s arms rests on the back of the bench. Carina tucks a stray piece of hair behind Maya’s ear and leaves her hand lingering on the other woman's shoulder, occasionally stroking gentle patterns with her fingertip.

“Mom saw us fighting and bought us both ice cream. Mason got one of those SpongeBob-shaped ice cream bars – it was totally misshaped, one eye was drooping, and it looked nothing like SpongeBob but Mason loved it anyway. And Mom got me a cone-”

“Let me guess,” Carina interrupts, “you got strawberry flavor.”

Maya smiles and nods.

“You haven’t changed much since you were a kid, have you?”

She laughs, “I guess not. I do like tomatoes now though.”

Carina smiles at her playfully.

“Anyways, after that, she brought us here. I forgot about the whole thing until a month ago when I was on a run. I really needed to clear my head and somehow I just ended up here.”

Maya pauses then as if taking a moment to process it all. The last few months were big for Maya, having to grasp so many new changes and revelations. As she was working on rebuilding their relationship, she was trying to do so with her mother and brother as well. She’d reached out to her mother with the intent on reconciling and to apologize about the same time she’d also done so with Carina. It was hard to say the least but with the help of therapy, it seemed like they were finding some peace. Her relationship with her brother was a lot more fraught and still rocky but from what Maya had told her, they were making progress.

“My mom sat us down on this bench and pointed at that lighthouse.” Carina follows Maya’s eyeline and finger, spotting a lighthouse in the distance, all the way to the left of them. Lights of the city sparkled in the distance behind the structure.

“She taught us about why the lighthouse was so important. She said that it helped sailors to navigate the waters, helping them find their way home. When sailors saw it after a long, hard journey, they knew they were safe. She told us that no matter what, she would be here for us – like a lighthouse. I forgot about this day and what she said because the only thing that was ever in my head after that was ‘Eyes Forward’.” She closes her eyes and takes a breath as if to steady herself. “All I have ever known how to do is run – towards the finish line, into burning buildings, away from my problems.”

Maya’s gaze lingers on the structure before tearing herself away. She looks down as she takes Carina’s free hand in hers and runs her fingers along the length of Carina’s. Even though they’re both gloved, the sensation sends shivers down Carina’s spine.

“What I’m trying to say is,” Maya wraps her hands around Carina’s and looks at her, “ever since I met you, you’ve made me want to stop running. And I know I’ve still done it, I’ve still hurt you and I’ll be sorry about that till the day that I die, but you’ve made me remember that there was a lighthouse to guide me home. And what these past few months have made me realize is that I’ve been in this constant state of fear and adrenalin my whole life. I thought I had everything figured out but actually, I had been so lost, and I just kept running and running because that’s what I knew how to do best. But you, you steadied me. You pointed me back home. You helped me feel safe again. You’re my lighthouse.”

“Maya…,” Carina chokes out.

“I know that was really cheesy but I promise I’m getting to my point.” Maya smiles then and it makes Carina’s heart flutter. She gives her hand a squeeze. “I know you’re going through a lot right now. And I’m sorry for whatever role I’m playing in making things harder for you. I don’t know what has you so distracted today but I need you to know that I meant it when I told you I loved you. I know I have a lot more to do to earn back your trust, but I feel like you’re holding back with me and walking on eggshells, like you’re afraid I’m gonna leave again or something and I know that that’s my fault for making you feel that way. I know you’re going to need time and I’m going to keep showing up for you until you can trust me again. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you, Carina, no matter what. You’re my lighthouse. I honestly can’t promise that I won’t get scared and run again but I can promise you that I have no reason to run _away_. No matter what happens, no matter how far I go, I’ll always come back to you. I know that we still have a long way to go to get to where we were. But I’m not going anywhere.”

Carina looks up towards the sky then, trying desperately to hold back her tears. She exhales loudly in an effort to release some of the tension that’s been building up inside her since this morning but it only serves to let her tears escape from the corners of her eyes and down the sides of her face. The stars really are pretty tonight.

Maya reaches up to wipe them away. Carina lets out a shaky breath and leans into her touch. How could one person make her feel so exposed and seen?

“I don’t know what’s going on, but all night, your mind has been somewhere else. And it makes my heart hurt watching you in so much pain. I want so badly to be a place where you can feel safe and comfortable. But I can’t help you if you don’t let me in. You don’t have to hurt alone, Carina. If you’ll let me, I can be your lighthouse too.”

Carina sniffles and lets out a wet chuckle, “So, you didn’t buy any of that, huh.”

Maya shakes her head, smiling. “No. I know you, Carina. And even if I didn’t, I still would’ve known because you have a terrible poker face.”

“I thought I was doing well at hiding.” Carina laughs, and for the first time since this morning, she feels light.

“Ti amo, Maya,” She says breathlessly.

She presses her lips against Maya’s in an intimate, sweet kiss, and Maya reciprocates enthusiastically.

Carina lingers a bit before fully pulling back. Despite the events of this morning and the thoughts swirling around in her mind all day, her heart feels so full.

Who knew a bear attack and a chance encounter at a bar could lead them to where they are now?

“I love you too,” Maya says, a smile beaming on her face.

What Carina feels for Maya in this moment is indescribable. It’s like they’re encased together in some sort of bubble and time has ceased to exist. The only word she can grasp at is _richness_. She wants nothing more than to melt into Maya but this isn’t Greek mythology and they can’t fuse back together to become one person, so Carina settles for trying to hold this moment for as long as possible – just the two of them.

The moment does eventually fade, when an audible shiver runs down Carina’s spine from the cold.

Maya simply laughs, takes off her beanie and puts it on Carina. “We should probably go, I know your ears are probably icicles by now.”

Carina stands up and reaches out her hand, “Guide me home, bella.”

//

Her whole body shivers and shakes as they enter her apartment. The elevator ride from the lobby to her twelfth floor apartment has since melted the sprinkling of snow layered on their clothes but not the chill within their bones. Maya’s wiping her shoes on the doormat when Carina flips on the switch and turns to her. Carina takes off her gloves, her jacket, and Maya’s beanie off her head and places it on the coat-hanger by the door as Maya shakes off the snow from her hair and clothes. Carina shuts the door behind her as the shorter woman takes off her own gloves. She stuffs them into her pockets as Carina helps her out of her jacket.

Still standing behind Maya, Carina helps her unwrap the scarf around her neck and there’s something in the way that action as she reveals skin that sparks something inside of her. She moves Maya’s hair out of the way – it’s slightly damp – and presses a kiss on the curve of her neck. Maya’s reaction is instantaneous, as she tilts her head sideways, offering Carina more of herself, and lets out a moan.

Carina goes in again, leaving a sweet kiss before sucking, gently grazing her teeth against the exposed skin. She travels her way up under her jaw before Maya turns, wraps her arms around Carina’s neck, and kisses her. It’s full of intimacy, passionate but slow and Maya’s warm breath against her lips fuel something deeper inside her. Her body moves of its own accord as it reacquaints itself with the feeling of Maya against her. _She really missed this._ Carina’s hands trace down Maya’s sides and come to a rest on her hips as she lets Maya push her against the door (one of Maya’s hands cradle the back of her head to prevent it from slamming and Carina all but swoons). Their tongues entangle together and Carina moans into the now steamy kiss. It’s by no means slow anymore. Their movements have ramped up, becoming more desperate and Carina’s hands have migrated to Maya’s ass now, kneading it through her jeans. Carina’s just about to snake her hands under Maya’s top and pop open her bra when suddenly the shorter woman pulls away. The cold returns to her bones.

“ _C-cosa-_ ”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Maya’s apologizing and their bodies are no longer pressed upon each other and Carina has absolutely no idea what’s happening.

“Ugh, I know we’re going slow, I’m sorry,” She’s admonishing herself now. “I shouldn’t have pushed it this far, I shouldn’t-”

“Maya.” Carina stops her – she uses the authoritative but caring voice she uses when Maya tends to ramble or spiral.

As intended, Maya shuts up and looks at Carina. Her wonderful striking blue eyes are now a dark blue-green and slightly stormy, an alluring remnant of their actions a moment ago. This woman is going to be the death of her.

“Did you know that turtles can swim as fast as 22 miles-per-hour?”

Now, it’s Maya’s turn to be confused. “What?”

“Sure, when they’re on land, they’re super slow, but once they’re in the water?” Carina makes a forward motion with her hand, “Zoom.”

Carina knows they’d promised they’d go slow, but she was one to always rely on her feelings and her instincts and they were telling her to trust Maya again. So that’s what she was going to do – no more waiting or postponing; a more perfect time wouldn’t come.

“We’re in the water now, bella.” Carina takes a few steps towards her, slides her hands into the back pockets of Maya’s jeans, and pulls her close as she says, “Now _baciami_.”

Maya doesn’t hesitate at all then, pulling Carina down towards her. Carina can feel her smile into the kiss and she gives one back as they move to tear apart each other’s clothes – Maya pops open the front of Carina’s jeans as Carina finally snakes her hands beneath Maya’s top and undoes her bra. It only takes a few more seconds to have her sweater and undershirt off. Their lips are pulled back to each other as the fabrics come off. Maya’s bra is quick to come off as well as Carina maneuvers them towards the living room; their shoes being tossed carelessly in whatever direction was easiest.

Her apartment is small – a one-bedroom – but it’s cozy and offers just enough space to not feel cramped. It’s an open floor plan, so the living room, dining area, and kitchen are all connected but there’s distinct separation by way of furniture and obvious landmarks. There’s no fireplace, unlike Maya’s place, but there is a balcony, which is nice.

Carina leads them toward the couch – though the bedroom is not that far off, the couch is way closer and she has absolutely no patience nor self-discipline to make it there, especially when there’s a half-naked, smoking hot firefighter kissing her and moaning as deliciously as Maya is doing right now.

When the back of Maya’s legs hit the front of the couch, Carina pulls away to push her girlfriend onto it, and Maya lands with a soft plop. Carina takes off her own clothing in a hurry and Maya’s eyes watch her every move until she’s left with only her bra and panties on.

She's propped up on her forearms and watches with rapt attention as Carina moves. Her bottom lip is scrunched between her teeth as Carina moves to unbutton Maya’s jeans, hooks her fingers beneath the waistband of both her jeans and panties and slides them both off, in a single motion.

Enraptured by Maya’s gaze, Carina makes a show then, taking off her own bra and panties adagio, moving seductively to an invisible beat that only they can hear (she thanks her previous self for having enough sense to close the curtains on her windows before leaving earlier tonight). The strip tease does its job and Maya is practically drooling.

Once fully naked, Carina sidles on top of Maya, straddling her, and starts grinding slowly, on top of Maya’s chiseled abs.

Maya is objectively hot, but the minute Maya’s clothes are off, she becomes ten times hotter. Maya's all muscle – hard abs, prominent biceps, sculpted trapezius and rhomboids, firm ass, toned quads and solid calves; it isn't overwhelming though and she's built more like a sculpture than to the point her veins are popping out. Carina wasn’t vain – muscles aren't a factor at all in someone’s attractiveness level to her. But they definitely are a perk. And as a medical professional, as a woman, the knowledge (and past experience) of how strong Maya is, and the dedication she took in maintaining her health has always served to turn her on. Maya was beautiful to look at in general but when her clothes were off, Carina never could look away.

Maya’s hands slide up her thighs and make their way up, tantalizingly towards her center before swerving towards her abdomen. Carina groans in annoyance as Maya just smirks. She was always such a tease but two could play that game. Though, it has to wait as Maya’s hands then reach towards her breasts and palms them, swiping her thumbs across her already hard nipples. She feels her heart rate speed up as Maya plays with her; her nipples have always been extremely sensitive. Carina leans back, her hands gripping Maya’s legs behind her, and grinds faster.

Carina’s a panting and moaning mess.

These past few months have been one of the most excruciating periods of her life, mentally and emotionally yes, but also sexually. Once they’d gotten back together, Carina had grown more and more desperate to be with Maya again but her mind turned her body away. Memories of that night or imaginings of Maya and Jack together overtook her and a firewall installed itself. Except she was still horny. She’d turned to masturbation but the firewall took it upon itself to turn on even when she was trying to turn herself on. Carina was stuck in sexual limbo and it pissed her off.

But now?

Now was all pleasure and hazy pink and purple pastel clouds and _Maya_. And she intended to finish before the firewall realized it was down.

Carina’s movements are desperate and she’s so close she can _feel_ it. Maya’s skin is hot on hers as she thrusts against Carina’s wet center, and her hands are roaming across her entire body, lighting up sparks everywhere they go, and the words of encouragement Maya says send more shivers down her spine; she’s wrapped up in her touch and her voice and the smell of Maya’s lavender-scented shampoo, and it’s pushing her closer to the edge.

Then, one of Maya’s hands find themselves back onto one of her breasts while the other seeks out her clit, and the moment Maya touches her there, Carina’s a crumbling mess. It only takes a few strokes before her orgasm bubbles to the surface and erupts out of her. Her back arches, her head is thrown as far back as it can go, and Carina forgets how to speak, or breathe, or do anything except moan and revel in euphoric bliss.

She’s absentmindedly aware that Maya is pretty much holding her up now, their bodies pressed against each other. She leaves wet hot kisses across her chest and neck, and brings her down from her high gently, her thumb still rubbing soft circles on her clit.

Carina jerks as she nears the end of her orgasm and comes to.

It doesn’t last long though, as Maya guides her to lay down on the couch and slides two fingers effortlessly into her. The sudden movement sends shockwaves through her and renders her speechless once again. Maya pumps in and out, hard and fast, and her thumb is still on her clit, agitating the already sensitive bundle of nerves. Carina holds onto Maya, hooking a leg around her waist and her hands are splayed across her back. She’s overwhelmed but in the best way possible and all that she feels and thinks about is pleasure.

Maya’s buried in her neck, leaving what are no doubt hickeys she’ll find in the morning, deep purple and nostalgic along her sternocleidomastoid, trapezius, and supraclavicular fossa. Carina allows Maya to bury herself deeper, a hand resting against the back of her head. As she does so, Maya buries her fingers deeper too, perfectly hitting her g-spot and Carina’s a mumbling mess. She has absolutely no idea what words are coming out of her mouth, whether they’re in English or Italian or what they even mean – she finds Maya does that to her often – but her body is out of her control at the moment and it’s pretty much all she can manage to do as Maya builds her back up again. Carina’s other hand desperately searches for purchase, nails digging into Maya’s back. If Maya minds, Carina can’t tell because Maya’s lips make her way up towards her ear and says, “Cum for me, baby.”

And she does.

It’s more explosive and encompassing than the last one and Carina thinks she's blacked out for a second or so because when she comes to, Maya’s arms are wrapped around her, holding her securely.

“You did so good for me, baby,” Maya whispers in her ear.

Even though she’s the orgasm expert and the one with the medical license to dispense information on sexual pleasure, Maya seems to always know just how to reduce Carina to a messy puddle of nothingness.

It’s so hot.

When Carina opens her eyes, Maya’s looking down at her lovingly. There are those damn blue eyes again, dark and stormy with lust.

“Hi,” she says, a devilish smile playing on her face.

“Hi,” Carina responds back, laughing as Maya sweeps her curls out of her face.

Maya kisses her then, sweet and slow and familiar, and Carina gets lost in Maya again. Her body is still sensitive, evident by the way Maya’s touches leave every area she comes into contact blazing. Maya seems to know this too though, her touches only brief and grazing.

Carina turns them so they’re side by side now. It’s like she’s back in high school again as she lazily makes out with Maya. It’s just them and their lips and their tongues and each other’s touches. It's sensual and filled with content and purring moans and it’s perfect.

Carina’s hand travels down the length of Maya’s body, relishing in tracing her curves and muscles. When she gets to her ass, she gives it a slight squeeze before pulling her hand back and making contact in a soft _smack_.

Maya chuckles and Carina can’t help but do the same. Maya inserts her leg in between hers and they start grinding against each other, thighs becoming slick with wetness. God, she truly can’t get enough of the other woman.

Carina’s grip on her ass tightens and pulls Maya closer with every thrust. Maya moans as Carina takes her bottom lip between her teeth and worries the area there, slightly grazing.

It’s her turn to show Maya just how well she can unravel her.

Carina holds herself up with her left arm, just enough for Maya to get the hint as she flips them over, Maya’s back now to the couch, Carina on top of her.

Maya chases Carina’s kiss as she pulls slightly back, steadying herself, and she knows she’s got Maya in her thrall then. Carina grinds her thigh into Maya’s center and Maya responds by gripping her ass with one hand and pulling Carina closer. Her other hand snakes under her curls and grips, tugging. She’s starting to get desperate now, which thrills Carina even more.

Maya’s lips part slightly, letting Carina in once again and their tongues move with each other in a demanding, intimate dance. Maya’s lips pull away from Carina’s when Carina slips her hands in between their bodies and teases her, a lone finger tracing her entrance, sliding between her sleek folds, and grazing tantalizingly against the underside of her clit. Maya throws her head back and her back arches slightly at the unexpected feeling. Carina’s gaze follows Maya’s ecstasy, grinning at the way Maya bites her lip and whimpers.

When Carina removes her hand, Maya lets out a frustrated humph, “You’re such a tease.”

Carina just grins, waits for Maya to look at her, and slides the middle finger in her mouth. That renders Maya speechless then as her eyes lock onto Carina’s lips. Carina slowly slips her finger out of her mouth with a pop and watches Maya as she gulps in response.

“ _Mi fai impazzire bambina, ma so come farti supplicare anche per me_. ( **You drive me crazy bambina, but I know just how to make you beg for me too** ).” She makes sure to say it extra melodically, knowing whenever Carina speaks Italian in this low, gravelly, and seductive way that it makes Maya weak in her knees, and she knows she’s done her job when Maya blushes and tries to hide the smile behind her lip biting.

Carina runs her finger – the same middle finger that was in her mouth and teasing Maya just moments ago – against Maya’s lips, smoothing out the area. She bites her own lip when Maya takes it into her mouth and feels her tongue swirling around it. Carina slips another finger into her mouth and Maya takes it just as eagerly as the first one.

With one last stroke, Carina replaces her fingers with her lips, kissing Maya hungrily. Her hand slides back in between their bodies, leaving wet streaks against their skin, and finds their way back to Maya’s pussy.

Carina swallows Maya’s moan as she enters her, the two prepared fingers sliding in easily. “Mmm,” Carina mewls, “You’re so wet, Maya.”

Maya just thrusts back in response – it looks like she doesn’t trust herself to speak and Carina knows she has her right where she wants her then.

Carina slips in a third finger and expands slightly, expertly finding Maya’s g-spot. Maya lets out a long, delicious moan, her back arching spectacularly. As she thrusts in and out, Maya’s hips do so as well, desperate for her to go deeper.

“C-Carina, uhhh, baby. Mmff, yeesss!”

And at that, Carina removes her fingers swiftly, eliciting a frustrated groan from Maya. Before Maya can say anything though, she moves her thumb towards the bundle of nerves at the tip of Maya’s vagina but instead of giving her what she wants, Carina teases the area, only allowing ghosts of her touch.

That’s enough for Maya’s impatience to grow and she whines for Carina. She interrupts herself with a moan as Carina gives her slightly more pressure and speed before releasing, back to teasing. Maya’s hands are above her head now and her fists clench and unclench in desperation. There was nothing more enjoyable than working Maya up. 

Carina removes herself from the sensitive place entirely and works her way up Maya’s body – up her abs, between her breasts, playing with her nipples, and working their way back up to Maya’s mouth, leaving wet trails everywhere she goes. She slips her fingers back into Maya’s mouth. “Tell me what you want, bella,” Carina lets her voice go low and husky as she watches Maya lick herself off of her fingers. Carina traces Maya’s profile with her free hand as she says, “Do you want me to take my fingers and keep teasing you until you explode out on me?”

Carina lowers herself and leaves quick kisses against her cheek, down to that sensitive spot on her neck – Maya moans then; Maya’s most sensitive place is her neck and Carina teases her there every chance she gets. “Or do you want me to fuck you with them quick and hard?” She growls in her ear.

“Or,” Carina, travels down, takes a nipple into her mouth, retracts her fingers from Maya’s mouth and uses them to play with her other breast, and suggests, “do you want me to taste you like you tasted yourself?” Carina replaces her mouth with her other hand and looks directly at Maya then. “Do you want me to eat you out?” Her tone is suggestive but her voice is innocent as she watches Maya writhe in her grasp, nodding fast.

She’d already known that’s what Maya was desperate for before she even started this charade. She just wants to hear Maya say it.

“You have to use your words, Maya,” Carina tuts. She continues playing with the other woman’s breasts, grazing and twisting and pulling and kneading.

Carina teases, her hands now migrating down the sides of Maya’s body, towards her hips. She relishes in the sight of Maya’s toned abdominal muscles twitching as her fingers trace down her V-line, stopping only centimeters away from Maya’s bundle of nerves. Her clit is flushed and bright pink, her folds slick with her wetness. Carina looks at it hungrily as she spreads Maya’s legs slightly apart. “All you need to do is tell me what you want, _bella_.”

Carina loves this part: Maya’s brows scrunch in frustration but her eyes and the lip between her teeth scream desperation as she fights internally with herself.

“Pl-please,” Maya starts to beg.

“Please what?”

She lets it play out for a few seconds, watching Maya writhe with need, huffing in annoyance, before placing her thumb at Maya’s entrance and swiping up, in between her folds and brushing the underside of her clit. She brings it back down to play with the accumulating wetness in between Maya’s folds as the other woman whimpers. “Please, Carina, I- I need you.”

It takes one more swipe up and brushing the underside of her clit before Maya gives in.

“I n-need, I need your mouth on my pussy, I n-need your tongue-“

That’s all it takes before Carina dives in, stopping Maya’s suffering.

She licks up all her juices, relishing in the sweet earthiness, swirls her tongue around her clit a couple times before sucking gently. She brings Maya halfway up towards her climax before making her way south to her entrance and lapping at the entrance, occasionally poking her tongue past. Her thumb plays with her clit and Maya jerks her hips up in appreciation. Carina moves back up towards her clit, lightly playing with her folds along the way. Her left hand plays with the slopes and valleys of her abs as the other travels down along her thigh and towards her center. She slips two fingers into Maya and fucks her again, and Maya moans. “Ughhh, yesss, baby, fuck me!”

Carina obeys, fucking her faster with her fingers as she sucks gently on her clit. Maya’s panting now, and Carina can tell she’s close – her legs wrap tighter around her head and her the grip of her hand encourages Carina to bury herself deeper. Carina feels Maya’s insides start to throb as she flattens her tongue against her clit and circles furiously.

Maya comes explosively and screaming her name, her body is wracked with jerks and shakes. She holds on tight against Carina as she comes down. Carina slides her fingers out once Maya’s hold loosens and she’s in that blissful state of her high. She laps up Maya’s cum eagerly, her strokes now gentle and slow as she brings her down. When Carina travels back up to meet Maya, her eyes are still closed and mouth still open in euphoria. Her skin glistens with a slight sheen of sweat and there’s smile of wonder on her face and Carina can’t help but smile too.

“You’re so beautiful, bambina,” Carina says softly, clearing her face of stray hairs. She kisses her cheek affectionately. Her eyes are shades lighter like the sky on a clear day and Maya comes up to kiss Carina deeply.

“I love you,” Maya whispers breathlessly.

And for the second time that night, Carina’s heart feels so full it might explode.

//

“No way, no you’re lying!”

Carina shakes her head, giggling.

“You have to be! That’s crazy!”

“People do crazy things, Maya.”

“Yeah but that’s like…” Maya gestures wildly with her hands, her fork circling the air without intention, trying desperately to find some words to express herself but comes up empty, instead she repeats herself but enunciates every syllable, “ _Cray-zee._ ” She stabs her tiramisu, flabbergasted. “Who in their right mind would put a _gun_ in their _vagina_?!”

“A person in love,” Carina replies, faux-swooning.

Maya crinkles her nose.

“What, are you telling me you wouldn’t put a gun in your vagina for me?” Carina pouts, but is only teasing.

Maya puts a hand on her thigh and responds, “Baby, I love you, and I would do many things for you including putting stuff in my vagina…” Maya smirks and Carina flushes at the thought. “… but not a gun. Absolutely fucking not.”

Carina laughs then. “Good,” she leans and pulls Maya in for a chaste kiss, “because if you said yes, I think I might have had to rethink our relationship.”

“And I would completely understand.” Maya smiles at her, the one that makes her eyes sparkle; the one that makes the butterflies in Carina’s stomach go haywire.

Her brows then scrunch, a thought invading her mind. “Was it loaded?”

“Not like in the…” Carina makes a rectangle shape with her hands.

“…clip,” Maya finishes.

Carina nods and continues, “but there was one bullet in the… thingy.” She gestures with her hands, attempting to draw the part of the gun with her fingers.

Maya finishes her sentence before her fingers can make sense, “the chamber.”

“ _Sì_ , the chamber. And apparently she was in the middle of the E.R. when it went off.”

Maya almost chokes on her tiramisu, much to Carina’s amusement. Carina reaches over to her left for the glass of water on the nightstand and hands it to Maya.

“Thank you,” Maya sputters hoarsely, still trying to get her bearings back.

“It hit a nearby patient in the leg and grazed Dr. Kepner – she used to be a trauma surgeon at Grey-Sloan.”

“Isn’t that Jackson’s ex?” Maya asks, taking another sip of water before handing it back to Carina.

“ _Sì_.”

“Do you see a lot of people who get things stuffed up there?” Maya asks and Carina chuckles.

“So much.”

Maya tilts her head to look up at her from her position in Carina’s lap. “Really?”

“You don’t see it on the job?”

Maya shrugs, “I mean, we get sent to them and they complain about pains but most of the time we never get to know what causes it.” She pauses and then adds, “Wow, I’m never going to look at stomach pains the same way ever again.”

Carina laughs – she’s definitely been there. “I once removed a jar of ashes from a woman’s vagina.”

Maya opens her mouth in shock. “No fucking way. You’re messing with me right?”

Carina shakes her head. “It was her late husband’s.”

Maya scrunches up her nose in disgust. “Wow, that definitely warrants a psych consult. Did- did it…” She gestures an opening and spilling motion with her hands.

“Thank God no, it was sealed tight.”

“Her pussy wasn’t,” Maya jokes and Carina has to swat her for such a dumb joke but she laughs anyway. “Hey! You set me up for that!”

“There’s been a lot of other dumb stuff I’ve seen – $10,000 in cash…”

Maya raises her eyebrows in surprise.

“… a shower head, many, _many_ flashlights. Chief Webber even had to remove a pen from a male stripper’s _penis_ because he said he wanted to sign autographs with it.”

Maya does a double take and gives her a shocked, ‘you’re not serious face’ to which Carina just simply nods.

“That’s dedication,” Maya laughs.

Carina nods in agreement. Even thinking about it now, that’s one of the wildest medical stories she’s heard and normally would find it so hard to believe but after seeing Arizona remove a gun out of a woman’s vagina, nothing seemed medically impossible anymore.

“But honestly it’s mostly men,” Carina admits. “Straight, insecure men who are embarrassed to ask their wives to touch them down there.”

Maya shakes her head, “Oh, straight men. Another reason to be grateful that I’m also attracted to women.”

Carina audibly agrees. “It’s sad really. One man died because of surgical complications trying to get it out.”

“I heard Jackson and Warren say once that they always say that ‘they fell on it,’ which is so dumb. Like they think anybody’s gonna believe that.”

“Oh you’d be surprised, _bella_. We get someone at least once a month saying that.”

Maya shakes her head, “Sometimes people are so dumb. A couple of days ago, we had a woman attacked by a freaking tiger because she thought it was a good idea to keep it as a pet. In her house!”

“ _Oddio_!”

“That one was crazy – tiger was on the loose, mauled another guy, and then found its way to our station! Had a stare down with Vic.”

“ _Mamma mia!_ You’re kidding, no?”

Maya shakes her head.

“Was everyone okay?”

“Yeah, no one at the station was hurt. We got animal control to humanely remove it from the premises. And I heard the man was doing okay too. I think it’s being sent to an animal sanctuary.”

 _Wow._ There were just no words. Maya’s story was hard to wrap her head around. A freaking _tiger!_

“Were you the one to take it out?” Maya asks, pulling her out of her state of bewilderment.

“What?”

Maya repeats her question and Carina shakes her head, “No, I didn’t have privileges then. Dr. Robbins was the one to do it. Pretty big crowd in the gallery.”

“I bet,” Maya snickers. She takes one of Carina’s cannoli from the plastic takeout container resting on her thigh while Carina digs a fork into Maya’s tiramisu. They’re on the bed, sitting cross-legged, having since moved from the couch – Carina’s back rests against the headboard while Maya sits facing her diagonally, with their respective leftover desserts from the restaurant in their laps. Both are clothed, unfortunately, albeit minimally – Carina wears a thin spaghetti strap tank top and shorts while Maya opted for one of her long shirts Carina hadn’t had the heart to throw away when they’d initially broken up.

Maya tilts her head slightly and takes a bite of her cannolo – cocoa and coffee shell, filled with ricotta, and coated on either side with pistachio crumbles. It lets out a satisfying crunch and they giggle as Maya’s bite becomes a bit messy, bits of shell and ricotta filling spilling onto her own takeout container. Carina chuckles and hands her a napkin.

“Did I get it?” Maya looks towards her, mouth still half-full, munching.

She can’t help but smile watching Maya grin stupidly at her, a dollop of cream still on her upper lip. Truly, this is a perfect moment.

Carina doesn’t say anything, instead she reaches over and wipes it away for her with her thumb and then takes it into her own mouth in lieu of wiping it away on a napkin.

Maya wiggles her eyebrows, “Kinky.”

Carina laughs in response. When Carina takes a bite of her own cannolo, they both can’t stop giggling and she has to swat at Maya’s distracting fingers to prevent herself from choking.

“You’re mean!”

Maya only smirks in response. Carina had never really been attracted to arrogance, finding it extremely irritating and annoying, especially in men. Talent – well, that was another thing; talent was sexy. And Maya, well she had talent in spades, but god, sometimes she could be arrogant. Except with Maya, Carina never seemed to be repelled by it like she normally was. Instead, Maya’s arrogance only served to turn her on, which annoyed her, and that only served to turn her on even more. It was a nightmare of principles that flabbergasted Carina – someone who was always so sure of her own effect on other people and theirs on hers – but when they kissed or Maya made love to her or when Maya intertwined their hands together, the conundrum ceased to bother her. She found that Maya challenged her preconceptions of what she was and wasn’t attracted to a lot and though the nightmare of principles sometimes frustrated her, it was a nightmare that Carina didn’t really mind having.

However, right now, Carina was determined not to let her weakness show, so she simply turned back to her dessert.

Maya’s next question throws her off, a rapid change of subject. (Not really but to Carina, it brought up some weird emotions that she would’ve rather not have broached at the moment).

“Who’s Dr. Robbins?”

Carina’s head whips to Maya’s direction. _Had Carina hinted at something when she’d brought up the pediatric surgeon?_

“What?”

“Dr. Robbins. You said she was the one to take out the gun from the vagina. Wow, that’s a crazy sentence.” Maya chuckles before adding, “I don’t think I’ve ever met them.”

“Oh.” _Of course_. “She used to be the head of pediatric and fetal surgery at Grey’s.”

“What happened to her?” Maya asks, curious and innocent.

“Uh, she left.” Carina fidgeted in her position. “She moved to New York.”

It isn’t that Carina still has feelings for Arizona; all her romantic energy is solely focused on Maya now (and she thinks they probably will be for a long time). It's the feelings of abandonment from earlier that resurges and rears its ugly head. Carina had been on the edge of falling right before Arizona decided to spontaneously up and leave. Carina understands the reasons behind the move but the way that Arizona had done it made it seem like their relationship had never mattered, and that was the thing that bothered Carina the most. While it was good that they had split before Carina could dive any deeper, the sudden whiplash of changing realities took her by surprise and left her off-balance for a while. It had taken longer than she cared to admit to get over it.

Earlier tonight though, Maya, without even having to tell her, had allayed all the big fears that her previous relationships had instated in this new one. But they aren’t all gone, because despite all that they’ve gone through and all that they feel for each other, Carina’s relationship with Maya is still relatively new. _And_ they're basically starting over again, so there was that funky element being thrown into the mix.

Looking at Maya now, it's so odd to think that just over seven months ago, they’d never known the other existed.

“Hey, you okay?” Maya asks, and Carina can’t help but smile at that: Maya's seemed to crack the code on being able to read her and it doesn't bother her at all. Rather, the feeling that came from being known and seen by another human being was really nice to feel.

Carina nods. “Yeah, I am.” She begins to go in for another piece of tiramisu when she sighs and abandons her task. “Actually, maybe not?”

Maya looks confused and of course she does – Carina’s been all over the place today and makes absolutely no sense right now – but she shifts her attention away from the desserts and onto her.

“Dr. Robbins – Arizona – she and I dated for a bit.”

“Oh. How long did you guys date?”

Carina takes a moment, pressing rewind on her memories. “It started when I arrived in Seattle, and she left about a year after.”

“Oh,” Maya says, and this time it’s less nonchalant. The playful mood from just moments ago seems to dissipate almost immediately, uncomfortable tension now in its place. “So it was serious.”

“Kind of. When she left, it hurt but we never got to the ‘I love you’ stage. It wasn’t casual but it never got to where we’re at. But I think it could’ve headed there though.”

Maya’s silent for a moment and Carina regrets telling her immediately. They’d just gotten past the weirdness of tonight and been in such a lovely moment and she had to go and ruin in with talk about her ex. _Idiote_.

“Was she blonde?”

“What?”

“Was she blonde?” Maya asks, fork in her mouth and playful smile on her lips. _What?_ Now she was the one to be confused.

“Uh, _sì_. Why?”

Maya laughs then, tiramisu still in her mouth. “You have a type, babe.”

“What? No, I don’t!”

Maya merely nods, “Yeah, you do babe. You like blondes. I met Matteo too remember?”

Carina’s taken aback now, still reeling from the sudden change in atmosphere. She thinks for a moment, taking in Maya’s accusation, intent to dispute it. She was not into- _oh._ Damn, she was. While she’d hooked up and been in casual relationships with many different people, her more serious relationships (or rather, the ones with real feelings involved) had always been with people who happened to be blonde. Gemma. Matteo. Arizona. Maya. There had also been Lucia, who she’d met when she was doing a fellowship in London. _Fuck._

“Fuck.”

Maya laughs, “I told you!”

“No, wait! Genevieve!” Carina exclaims, digging up a memory. They’d dated about six years ago and been together for close to six months. “She was a brunette!” She says defiantly and then decides to add, “And she was _French_.”

Maya quirks her eyebrow challengingly at that.

Carina grins but just says, “But I didn’t even know blondes were my type. I don’t even know how that happened!”

Maya shrugs, that arrogance shining back through and dancing playfully at the corners of her mouth. “It’s cause we do it better.” She scrapes the last bit of tiramisu from her container with her fork and pops it into her mouth and slides it out slowly, intentionally, all the while making sure their eyes were locked onto one another.

Okay, this time she’ll take the bait.

“I don’t know about all of you,” Carina starts, setting aside their containers and forks on the floor. She turns towards Maya and rises up on her knees, inching towards her. She places her knees on either side of Maya’s legs, sits her forearms loosely around her neck, settles into her lap, and says, “But you definitely do it better.”

She meant it to be sexy but when the words come out, and her pronunciation emphasizes the ‘it,’ it sound childish. Maya laughs in response. “Do I? Do I do _it_ better?”

Carina blushes, her cheeks tinged with red and she tries to hide her face. “Shut up.”

Maya holds her steady, hands splayed across her back, underneath the tank top. “I think it’s cute,” she says, turning her head to meet Carina’s. Maya looks up at her, smile still on her face and kisses her sweetly. The familiarity of the blonde’s lips settle her. Maya tastes like tiramisu and ricotta filling, and Carina melts into it.

“You’re really not upset?” Carina asks when they pull away. “About Arizona.”

“Why would I be upset?”

Carina shrugs.

Maya holds her closer and looking up at her, she says, “Am I jealous? A little bit, yeah. But I have no reason to be upset. You’re an adult – you’ve had relationships, so have I… kind of. But we’re here now, together, and even if other people make me jealous or insecure, you chose me. I don’t know why but you chose me and that’s all I need.”

Carina’s surprised. “I’ve never heard you talk about your feelings so openly and so calmly before today.”

Maya shrugs. “Going to Dr. Lewis has helped. I mean, I still hate it. I’d rather be doing stuff than talking but she’s shown me how important it is if I want to keep people around. And I,” she looks pointedly at Carina then, “want to keep you around the most.”

Her heart does a little tumble.

“I want you keep you around the most too,” Carina echoes and then kisses Maya.

And everything about Maya fills her senses, and she inhales deeply to memorize the familiarity of this moment. The kiss doesn’t progress to anything more, both just needing to express their feelings with actions cause there aren’t words that could do justice.

It really is truly shocking how fast Carina had fallen for Maya. Sometimes, in moments like these, Carina fears that it would be revealed that things were indeed too good to be true and she would wake up and realize it was all a dream. So, she decides to seizes the moment – _carpe diem_ and all that.

When they pull apart, Carina rests her forehead on Maya’s and her eyes linger closed for a moment in an effort to extend this moment for longer. She plays with the short hair at the base of Maya’s neck as Maya simply traces her fingers up and down her spine and holds Carina in place.

There had been times in the last few months where Carina wasn’t sure she even wanted to keep trying with Maya, but tonight and this moment make her so glad she did. And so grateful that Maya kept wanting to try too because despite everything, Carina realizes that they are actually so right for one another.

“I missed you,” Carina whispers.

Maya pulls away to look at Carina and she meets her gaze with sincerity and vulnerability.

Maya tucks strands of hair behind Carina’s ear for her and smiles brightly. “I missed you too. You have no idea how much.”

They don’t bring up Maya’s mistake again, though the thought does pass by in Carina’s mind. She lets it go though and doesn’t pay much attention to it; it’s time for her to move on from it.

Carina smiles at Maya, nuzzles their noses against each other affectionately, and removes herself from Maya’s lap. Maya pouts, which Carina finds endearing, but she just chuckles and motions for her to cuddle as she moves to sit back against the headboard.

They both have work early in the morning and at some point, they have to have a conversation about what was bothering her earlier, but for right now, Carina wants to spend a little more time content and with her girlfriend in her arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who else is so excited for tonight's episode?! I think this is the most excited I've ever been to see a couple (and I mean, I'm a big fitzsimmons fan too).


	7. Maya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, so it looks like it's up to fanfic writers until the actual S19 writers room gets their shit together regarding Carina. Fingers crossed for that TVLine Inside Scoop article being true about Carina getting more screen-time and an actual storyline next half of the season. And because of the lack of adequate Marina scenes, I took a big creative liberty with this one - sue me. 
> 
> (Excuse any formatting issues).

Sometimes Maya really hates the importance of their jobs. Sure, they're both in the business of saving lives and that’s super important, especially with Carina’s added job of bringing in new life into this world. But their jobs also mean a lot of focus and a lot of time away from each other. Normally, Maya was never too concerned about that; work was her life. But right now in the year of her life, 2021 – she’s actually dubbed this period ‘AC’, or ‘ _anno Carina’_ – her priorities have changed. And now she would actually go so far as to say she hates their jobs. Maybe even say that she hates babies.

Why?

Because the arrival of one left Maya alone. On Valentine’s Day.

And the little sucker wasn’t even supposed to be coming for two more weeks.

Carina wasn’t even on-call but the mother had been one of those special patients of hers – she’d had three miscarriages before, was in remission for breast cancer, been through numerous rounds of IVF, and this had been her last hope.

So, was Maya really mad at the baby? Of course not. Was she mad at the job? No. If anyone understands, it's her. But does it suck? Absolutely.

Maya had had the day all planned: a tour around Seattle’s most iconic places – Carina had been here three years and still hadn’t explored much, a point that she griped about occasionally – with a trip down to the waterfront park and a ride atop of Seattle’s famed Ferris Wheel, and ending the night at Piccolo’s. She even had an amazing present that she’d gotten Carina that she’d been dying to surprise her with. And now, all those plans were scrapped, much to both of their disappointments. But they’d promised to go another time and that's a promise Maya intends to keep.

The day had started off beautifully – Maya was greeted by the smell of Italian coffee beans roasting and omelets being cooked in Carina’s kitchen after her run (because yes, she still ran, even on Valentine’s Day), by said effervescent beauty humming and dancing to herself. The breakfast was delicious and the morning sex that followed after even more so. They’d showered and gotten ready and just when they were about to leave, Carina had gotten the page that the mother was going into labor and that she had to come in. She had been profuse in her apologies and left the apartment with promises to make it up to her and cursing in Italian. It wouldn’t take more than three or four hours, she’d said and they would still have time to make it to the waterfront. But three, four hours had gone and Carina had sent her a short text apologizing once more, explaining that there had been complications with the birth and she needed to stay a while longer.

It sucked, but again, Maya understood.

So that left her doing what she was doing now, spending Valentine’s day with Travis and Vic picnicking (more like sitting on a blanket in the cold and passing a bottle of wine back and forth) and mocking couples passing by. Vic and Travis were spending the day in solidarity with one another, both being single, and opted not to go out on the town; Valentine’s was no doubt the worst day to even try to meet people, let alone try for a no-strings attached hook-up. They were playing reenact-the-couple and guessing which of the relationships they’d seen would last. It was a bit crude but hella fun.

At least, at first. It had taken a long while but Maya was finally in a good place with their relationship and secure enough in it to even do something like this – look at other couples and not compare them with her own. There was no anxiety or insecurity in this charade, just pure jealousy. The more couples they saw, the more Maya wished she was with Carina. It wasn’t the cancelled plans that were bugging her, rather, Maya was upset because she had gotten her hopes up and now she was alone again. She’d spent the majority of her life pretty much alone, which she’d been fine with. She couldn’t give two fucks about Valentine’s Day previously and why would she, it was a holiday manufactured by the greeting card company; there was no romance in it other than what was artificially injected and subjectively perceived. But being with Carina had changed everything she knew and believed about herself. She had actually been looking forward to today.

They had struggled to get to where they were – most of which had been Maya’s fault but she's doing her very best to correct course. Maya had thought of today as a sort of a landmark both for their relationship and for herself as well. It was like the seeing the light at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel. They were _finally_ in a place where they could move forward and today had been the day Maya wanted to reiterate her commitment to Carina, but alas the universe had other plans for them.

While she's secure enough in their relationship to not compare it with others’, she hadn’t reached the point where she was fully secure in being in one; namely, being the other half. All her life, she’d wondered if she could ever be loved in that way, and more so, if she herself was even capable of it. After three decades, she’d resigned to her fate, rejecting monogamy and all its traps. She was the casual girl and that was fine. She was the workaholic and accomplished hero and that was okay. But Carina had come out of nowhere and the hope she thought she’d lost sparked again. Maya knows that the hope of finally being able to be proved that she could love and receive love was too much to put on one measly day and that it was wholly irrational, but she couldn’t help it. Once the thought entered her head, it pretty much overtook her and became all that she could think about. 

“Maya!” Vic snaps in front of her face, getting her out of her daze.

“Huh? What?”

“Hey, you okay?” Vic and Travis are looking at her, concerned.

“Yeah, sorry I…” Maya tries to smile through it, but she just doesn’t have the energy to mask her feelings about this. Maya sighs, deflating. “No. I was just really looking forward to spending today with Carina and now we won’t be able to.”

“Why? You said she went for a delivery – it’s not like she’s staying overnight. It’s only…” Vic looks at her watch, “Five-thirty. You still got the rest of the night.”

Maya runs a hand through her hair. “I know. But I had this whole day planned out and…,” she shrugs. “I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day but I got my hopes up on spending it with Carina.” That was the best explanation she could give them – she was still processing her feelings for herself.

“Awww,” Vic coos playfully and Maya shoves her in retaliation.

“Well, you still got time. _And_ this isn’t gonna be your last, you’ll have more,” Travis says, trying to get Maya to see the positive side. His phone buzzes then and he takes a moment to look at it quickly before turning back to Maya.

She smiles. “Yeah you’re right.” Maya tended to do that – get so lost in one feeling or one train of thought that she couldn’t get back out and see perspective. _They’ll have more – many more._

//

They spent roughly thirty more minutes at the park until Travis suggested they pack up. It was dark and they had no more alcohol to distract themselves from the cold weather or the cold facts of their single-ness. Vic suggested taking the party back to her and Travis’ place, inviting Maya, but she declined. Carina would be getting home soon and she wanted to spend whatever time there was left tonight with her girlfriend. Unlike the two of them, Maya was very much _not_ single.

Maya sniffles as she takes off her gloves – it really was cold outside – stuffs it into her pockets, and reemerges with her keys. She wipes her shoes as she inserts the key – tracking in leftover gray snow sludge would not be welcome.

As soon as she opens her door, she knows something is wrong. Something just… _feels_ off. This was not how she left the place and Carina wouldn’t be back until at least another hour. It’s dark but there’s music playing slowly – classical and slow – and she recognizes it as one of Carina’s vinyls she’s added to the collection. There’s a savory smell in the air and instantly she’s confused.

She takes off her shoes and places her keys on the side table near the front door. “Carina?” Maya asks out loud as she walks toward the living room. The room and adjoining dining area are dimly lit with a plethora of candles and she looks down at the ground to see rose petals marking her way.

“What the…,” Maya trails off, taking in the whole scene. The fireplace is currently housing a warm, crackling fire, the coffee table pushed towards the couch, blankets and pillows filling the space, the dining table’s been set and bowls are covering plates of what Maya only assumes is food, bottles of wine are chilling in an ice bucket at the far end, and flowers are set on the table. There’s so many questions buzzing around in her head but they all go out the window once she looks up toward the kitchen.

Carina’s standing there in a dark, rich, burgundy dress that goes down to her ankles with a deep plunging neck line. The slit on the side tantalizingly reveals the skin of her leg while the rest of the dress hugs every single bit of Carina’s body, leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Even from here, Maya can tell she’s not wearing a bra and that just makes her brain stutter even further.

“Ciao, bella.” Her voice is soft and melodic and more music to her hears than the vinyl currently playing.

Seriously, Maya thinks her brain just short-circuited. She opens her mouth to form a greeting but nothing comes out – instead, she’s just standing there, frozen in place with her mouth open and unable to tear her eyes from the striking, almost ethereal sight in front of her.

Maya vaguely registers a small chuckle coming from the gorgeously exquisite woman in front of her but she’s putting down her wine glass and making her way over to her and suddenly she’s in front of her and Maya has absolutely no idea what to do with herself.

Carina’s in stilettos and Maya has to tilt her head up slightly more than normal. She watches entranced, unable to speak, as the Italian takes off her beanie and scarf for her. She smooths down Maya’s hair, raking her fingers gently through the strands. Her arms come at a rest on either side of her shoulders and her hands play lightly with the ends of her cropped hair.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Maya,” Carina whispers and then she kisses her, and it feels as if this is Maya’s first kiss all over again – consumed by new sensations and suddenly so vibrantly awake. She’s even frozen, slack in place, unsure of what’s happening just like she was when Hima had kissed her on the floor of her room. But unlike that time, her brain actually manages to start back up again. It’s more like muscle memory really: the taste of Carina’s lips, the feel of her body pressed up against hers – they jumpstart her brain back into action.

Maya kisses her back with fervor, slipping her tongue past her lips, and slides her hands around Carina’s waist, pulling her closer. Carina reciprocates, their tongues dancing with each other now as she wraps her arms around Maya’s neck tighter - they’re as close as two people can be now. Maya steadies her with one hand splayed across the middle of her back while the other roams down to her ass and squeezes. Carina breaks away, moaning, and Maya takes the opportunity to kiss down to crook of her exposed neck and sucks what she knows will be very dark and very visible hickeys. She works her way back up once she knows she’s done her job and Carina meets her, kissing her, but this time it’s slower. It’s still passionate but it’s less desperate; more like they’ve realized they’ve got all the time in the world. It’s like they’re reacquainting themselves with one another, refamiliarizing themselves with what the other tastes like, what they feel like. Their kisses are familiar but sensual, lingering and drawn out.

Carina nips at her lower lip and tugs the skin between her teeth as they break away. Maya’s lips tingle pleasantly as does the rest of her body.

When she pulls back to meet Carina’s eyes, they’re fixated on her own lips and she has her bottom lip in between her teeth. It takes a second but Carina’s warm, brown eyes finally meet hers. This woman is gonna be the death of her.

“Wow,” Maya says breathlessly.

Carina nods in agreement, bottom lip still in between her teeth, and occasionally flitting her eyes back down to Maya’s lips. Maya takes the moment to look herself, blatantly checking out her girlfriend. Her eyes roam up and down but they ultimately fixate on the expansive area of exposed skin of her chest. The deep V-line of the dress do wonders of showing off Carina’s cleavage, exposing the inner sides of her breasts. Maya runs a finger lightly down the valley, starting from the center of her chest down to the point where the fabric meets again. She feels Carina shudder.

“I hope you don’t wear this for anyone else,” Maya jokes, but her voice comes out a little hoarse and rough.

Carina shakes her head. “No, _bella_ , just for you.”

It’s truly mind-boggling how beautiful Carina is. And it is definitely _not_ lost on Maya how lucky she is.

As beautiful as Carina looks in the dress, all Maya wants to do is rip the fabric off of the Italian woman. But she refrains – Carina’s got the dinner table all set up and it would be a shame to let all of her hard work go to waste. Suddenly, she remembers that she’s not nearly as dressed up as Carina is.

Maya takes off her coat and tosses it onto the couch. “I feel bad, I’m not nearly as dressed up as you.”

Carina cuts her off, shaking her head and taking her hand, “You look beautiful, _bambina_.” Maya blushes.

She’s wearing a cashmere turtleneck sweater, the front of it tucked into her jeans. Though she’s bundled up, Carina makes her feel so naked and seen in a way no one else ever has.

“You’re breathtaking, baby.”

Carina’s smile is exquisite and it makes Maya weak in the knees.

“How did you…” Maya starts asking, looking around the room.

Carina shrugs, “I had some help. I owe Jo, Schmitt, Amelia, and Link many favors. I asked Travis to keep you out for a little longer while I set this up.”

“But I thought you were-”

“I was but I finished a little early.” Carina wrapped her arms around Maya’s neck once more. “I felt bad for cancelling on you and I wanted to make it up to you.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I wanted to. And I really wanted to spend today with you.”

Maya pulls her in again. “Me too.”

Carina gives her another knee-weakening smile and kisses her again, this time slow and sweet.

//

Dinner had been absolutely fabulous and dessert even more so – they lay together in front of the fire, over blankets and pillows spread on the hardwood, bare and glistening, reveling in a post-coital euphoric haze.

Maya thinks she’d be more than happy with this as the rest of her life. Normally, the thought would have Maya break out into hives but with Carina’s head resting against Maya’s chest and drawing lines up and down her sides, her ever-present fight-or-flight mode has absolutely no reason to be invoked. Maya draws her own lines up and down the length of Carina’s spine. She kisses the top of her head. The brunette hums contently and entangles their legs even further.

“Carina?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” Maya says breathlessly, voice just above a whisper.

Carina turns slightly in Maya’s embrace, kisses the center of her chest, and looks up at her, smiling. She’s still perched on top of Maya, hands now underneath her chin. Maya looks down to meet Carina’s eyes.

“I love you too,” she says back, just as free and effortless as they both feel. Maya rests her head back on her pillow and sighs. Warmth spreads from the top of her head towards the bottom of her feet and it’s not the fire that’s causing it.

It’s now or never.

“ _È vero, credetemi, è accaduto,”_ Maya starts. _Its true, believe me, this happened_

She looks down to find Carina’s interest peaked, leaning slightly up on Maya, bottom lip between her teeth, and an amused sparkle in her eye. Her heart’s racing but she’s been practicing this for a month so she keeps going.

Maya looks down at her again, and turns on her side, using a forearm to perch herself up.

“ _Di notte su di un ponte On a bridge at night  
Guardavo l'acqua scura Looking to the dark water  
Con la dannata voglia With the damned desire  
Di fare un tuffo giù” To dive down in it._

The song is one of Carina’s absolute favorites – “Meraviglioso” by the legendary Domenico Modugno. Maya’s probably heard it about a million times by now, and relates to it probably more than Carina knows. She won’t reveal that tonight though – for now, she just wants to sing to her girlfriend and tell her how much she loves her.

The look on Carina’s face is priceless and it’s worth the hours she spent trying to perfect how to say these words.

“ _D'un tratto, But suddenly,  
qualcuno alle mie spalle Someone at my back  
Forse un angelo vestito da passante Maybe an angel disguised as a passerby  
Mi portò via, dicendomi così:”_ _Pulled me back, telling me this:_

She’s half singing and talking, taking the route of a more acoustic, poetry version of the song. She’s actually quite a decent singer but her nerves make her voice shake slightly. 

_“Meraviglioso Marvelous  
Ma come non ti accorgi How come you don’t remember  
Di quanto il mondo sia meraviglioso?” How much the world is marvelous?_

At this point, the song gets a lot more upbeat but there’s no instruments or backing track so Maya makes do with a tonal change and a slight smile. The one Carina gives back is enough to make her keep going.

“ _Meraviglioso Marvelous  
Perfino il tuo dolore Even your pain  
Potrà apparire poi meraviglioso” May look a little marvelous_

Carina’s had a hard year and Maya hopes this makes it a little better, even though she’s definitely making a complete fool out of herself. But if she’s being really honest, the song’s helping her too.

She’s always had a hard time with next part and Carina seems to notice because she joins in about halfway through, encouragingly.

“ _Ma guarda intorno a te But look around you  
Che doni ti hanno fatto: What gifts you have been given  
Ti hanno inventato il mare! They invented the sea for you!_

_Tu dici: "Non ho niente" You say you have nothing  
Ti sembra niente il sole? Is the sun nothing to you?  
La vita? L'amore?” The life? The love?_

They make a show of it and fool around, singing those words. At one point, Maya stumbles a bit and Carina slows them down, repeating the word until Maya gets it. It feels nice to sing along with someone like this.

Now, this is the most important part and she sings it a little softer, quieter. The air seems to be pulled toward them, gathering around and insulating them in this moment.

_“Meraviglioso Marvelous  
Il bene di una donna The love of a woman  
Che ama solo te, That loves only you,  
Meraviglioso” Marvelous_

It’s not the end of the song but she stops there because that’s the message she really wants to convey. She whispers again, “ _Meraviglioso_.”

Carina’s lips crash onto hers in an instant and Maya’s senses are immediately overwhelmed with _Carina_. It’s the only version of feeling of being overwhelmed she enjoys.

“ _Sì, straordinariamente meraviglioso.”_ Carina replies into the kiss and Maya has no idea what that long word she just said was but she gets the ‘yes’ and the ‘marvelous,’ so that’s good enough for her.

“How long did it take you to memorize all of that?”

Maya laughs. “So long. I spent a good three weeks with Andrew going over it over and over. I think I’ve listened to the song about a thousand times now,” she says sheepishly.

“Really? Andrea helped?”

Maya nods. “Yeah. It was rocky at first but we came out of it better. He doesn’t hate me now.” After what Maya had done to Carina, her interactions with Andrew were deservingly icy and cold but they’d also become cruel. He hadn’t agreed with Carina’s decision in taking her back and had told her as much every time she saw him. She’d put him in his place once when she was fed up with his crap but she knows now that the cruelty was only a side effect of his mismanaged mental illness. Andrew had gone through the requisite treatment and had been released a month ago. He was following a strict routine, taking his meds, and making sure he got enough sleep, and by all accounts he seemed to be doing much better. Maya had come up with the idea to memorize the song and present it to Carina and the only person that she knew who could help her at no cost with Andrew. She wasn’t his biggest fan either but this was for Carina and she would do what she had to do. It took them a while to warm back up to one another but over the course of their lessons, they’d done just that. Andrew saw how much Maya loved his sister and Maya, in turn, got to show him. Things were still rocky, but it was a start. 

“ _Brava, bambina._ It was perfect.” Carina replies, looking at Maya now with so much love in her eyes. And suddenly all of that trouble was worth it. “You’re perfect.”

Maya tucks stray strands of hair behind Carina’s ear, taking some time to memorize every bit of her face. “Thank you for giving me a second chance,” Maya whispers.

Carina simply smiles and they don’t speak much on that because they’re moving on. No need to rehash old wounds, especially during a perfect moment such as this one.

“I think that was the best present I’ve ever gotten,” she says, smirking.

“You think that was your present? Uh uh, no, I’ve got something better for you than my crappy Italian.” Maya untangles herself from Carina and starts walking toward the bedroom.

Carina laughs. “Hey, the pronunciation was pretty good!”

Maya grabs a small envelope from the nightstand drawer on her side of the bed and returns, padding softly back to Carina, envelope behind her back. She watches Maya walk back with rapt attention, hand holding up her head.

“What?” Maya asks, stopping just at the entrance of the living room.

“I like watching you walk around naked,” Carina says, tucking a lip in between her teeth.

Maya blushes, shakes her head, and returns to her spot in front of the fire. Being with Carina was like being spellbound by some type of mystical fairy magic, Maya swears by it; it’s intoxicating.

She hands over the envelope and with curiosity and a small smile on her face, Carina opens it with interest.

“Maya…”

It’s two plane tickets and a hotel reservation in Paris, booked for a few months from now once it’s warmer.

Maya shrugs. “I know you’ve already been there but I know how much you love the city and how much you miss it so I thought we could go together. Go on a real vacation.”

“This is incredible, Maya. Thank you.” She holds the contents of the envelope close to her chest and squeals. “Oh you’re gonna hate all the museums I’m gonna drag you along to!”

Maya laughs. Probably but anywhere with Carina is where she wants to be.

“Just no modern art please – I can’t stand those blank canvasses with a single line through them worth a million dollars.”

Carina kisses Maya and in between kisses, says, “No promises.”

Maya groans but gladly accepts the kisses.

“My turn.” Carina pulls away and reaches for a box above the fireplace, resting on the mantle.

She hands her a small box with a bow wrapped around it which Maya pulls carefully. She opens it and pulls back the papier-mâché.

It’s a necklace with a small circular pendant. Normally, Maya doesn’t like jewelry as gifts because she doesn’t really wear much considering her job but this one? Yeah, this one’s a keeper.

“Don’t worry, it’s made of platinum so it won’t turn your skin green.”

Maya looks up at her, smiles, and returns back to the box, pulling the necklace from its confines. She runs her thumb over the etching – it’s a minimalistic sketch of a lighthouse.

“Turn it over.”

Maya does so and is met with an inscription.

“It was too long in English so I went for Italian. _Sei il mio faro._ ‘You are my lighthouse.’”

Maya almost has tears in her eyes. Seriously, was she always this soft?

“It’s perfect.” This somehow feels like a turning point in her life; she feels like she’s ready to move on from her past – in more ways than one.

“Can you…?” Maya asks, handing it to her.

“Of course, _bella_.” And she says it in that gentle way she always does, inadvertently calming Maya down from her self-sabotaging defense mechanism that she feels bubbling her way to the surface.

Carina leans over, snakes her hands around her neck, and clasps the necklace around her. Maya smells an earthy-sweetness, something so distinctly _Carina_ and she places a hand on her bare back, pulling her closer. Carina gives her a kiss on the cheek as she pulls away.

“I know it hasn’t been easy for us, Maya, and sometimes I wasn’t even sure we’d make it, but I’m all in if you are.” There’s a little hesitancy in Carina’s voice and it just about breaks her. She’s been all in for quite a while now, whether Maya even knew it herself or not.

“I mean, I just sang in a language I don’t even know for you so I’m pretty sure we can mark me all in too,” she jokes.

Carina laughs, “You did pretty good. I was surprised.”

“Oh yeah?” Maya pulls her in towards her.

“Mmhmm,” Carina nods and they crash their lips onto one another.

Maya flips them over, eliciting a surprised squeak from the other woman. “Well, you’re definitely in for another one,” she says, her voice now low and sultry as she makes her way down south. The sound of Carina’s moans and saying her name over and over makes the rearranging of plans worth it. Maybe the universe knew what it was doing after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspiration from a live that Giacomo and Stefania did on IG where this song was the focus.  
> //  
> Edit: Almost forgot! This is the inspiration for the necklace:: https://www.etsy.com/listing/767292934/silver-lighthouse-necklace-beach?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=lighthouse+necklace&ref=sr_gallery-1-1


	8. Carina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was doing some research on the characters and was wondering how Carina was even allowed to practice in the U.S. let alone board-certified as a F.A.C.O.G. I know that shows may just stick some things onto a character without much research but I'm a stickler for it and dove right in to make sense of everything. Further, since this is a series I plan on taking for numerous stories, I wanted to do some homework, especially as I start mentioning more about backstories and such in later chapters and fics. It's in the beginning of the story, so please be sure to check that out. A few minor details in earlier chapters were changed to reflect the new timeline.

“Let me know when the labs come back, we need to nip this in the butt before we do anything else.” Carina scribbles a note onto the tablet she’s holding and hands it over to Jo, her newest fellow. Jo had decided she wanted to move away from general surgery – much to the chagrin of Meredith, Chief Bailey, and Chief Webber – and specialize in obstetrics-gynecology, asking specifically for Carina to be her teacher – much to her welcome surprise. Once they’d figured out the details of it all, Carina was more than happy to take Jo on as her fellow. They weren’t all that close but through working with the younger woman, Carina knew Jo was smart and driven and quick on her feet, and with time, Carina was sure that she would be a great OB/GYN.

“Bud, Dr. DeLuca.”

“Huh?”

“It’s ‘nip it in the bud.” I know, it doesn’t make any sense – I think it has to do something with flowers? -but that’s just how it is.”

Carina chuckles, “I’m getting that about American idioms. ‘Bud.’ Got it.”

As they arrive at the nurses’ station, Jo takes another peak, reading the updated chart and sets down the tablet.

“So…,” Jo drags out, a teasing lilt to the syllable. She leans against the nurses’ station. “How was it?”

“How was what?” Carina asks, feigning ignorance.

“Oh c’mon, you know what.”

Jo had been part of the team Carina recruited to help her surprise Maya for Valentine’s Day (which she was eternally grateful for), but they’d all been bugging her for details for the last week. Each time, she’d been paged away or changed the topic but today wasn’t looking so lucky for her. She was a pretty private person about the details of her romantic life, which, soon after given a full-time position at Grey-Sloan, she had come to find out that not everyone shared that same sentiment. Everybody knew each other’s business and that was not something she was used to. They were also like a family here, and despite the surprising invasiveness regarding personal lives, Carina had come to value the former trait enough to overlook the latter.

“What are we talking about?” Schmitt saunters in, walking over to the two of them.

Before Carina can face-palm herself, Jo answers, “Operation Mate the Bishop.”

“Ahhh,” Schmitt turns towards Carina with the same playful smirk as Jo’s. “How was it?”

“First, I know I’m not the best at American idioms but I don’t think that makes any sense. Second, what are you doing here Schmitt? You’re not on my service today.” She looks pointedly at him.

He just shrugs. “Jo invited me for lunch.”

Carina shoots a glare at Jo and she just shrugs as well. “C’mon, Dr. DeLuca, we’ve been begging for details for a week. I thought a tag-team effort would work better.” Jo raises her hands for a high-five which Schmitt reciprocates.

“What are we high-fiving about?” Carina turns around to find Link and Amelia walking over to them.

Carina groans and mutters, “ _Stai scherzando?” (Are you kidding me?)_

“Ahh, she still hasn’t told you yet?” Amelia guesses, another smirk on another face.

“What are you doing here, Amelia?” Carina sidesteps.

“We’re going to lunch remember?”

“Oh cool, we can four-way it!” Schmitt exclaims, a little bit too loudly. Everyone turns to give him an incredulous look.

Jo shakes her head. “What Schmitt means to say, is that we can gang up on Dr. DeLuca to coax the juicy details of her date out of her.”

Amelia grins, “I think we all know what happened. That dress? Bow-chicka-wow-wow.”

Carina laughs.

“Right? I mean I’m gay and my jaw dropped on the floor,” Schmitt says.

Amelia adds, “I mean, I’m not even your girlfriend and my jaw dropped on the floor.”

Link nods, “It’s true, I had to physically pick it up and install it back in its place. She wouldn’t stop talking about it the entire ride back home.” Amelia elbows him.

“Good thing you’re in ortho then,” Jo playfully puns. “C’mon, tell us how the night went! We won’t even ask for any favors!”

“Why are you so intent on this?” Carina asks.

“Well, my husband up and abandoned me for his ex-wife and kids he never knew he had and I’m starving for romantic content to take me out of my own misery. I’m trying to live vicariously through others – help a girl out!”

She doesn’t fall for the sad story. “And you have to live vicariously through me?”

“Well, you’re like a supermodel and your girlfriend is a hot firefighter, so pretty much, yeah,” Jo answers.

“And an Olympian,” Amelia adds.

“Really?” Schmitt asks to which Amelia nods vigorously.

“Even more reason!” Jo says.

Carina sighs. It’s not that she’s prudish about this or anything – she’s Dr. Orgasm, for god’s sake (she found the nickname quite ridiculous but it was funny and she’s actually grown quite fond of it). Her hesitation to divulge details was not out of any shame but rather out of protection. It took them a lot to get to the good place they were in and she feared letting anybody else in would pop this sort of… bubble they were in – this pretty pink and purple bubble made of cloudy haze that protected them from the outside world and from the outside world coming in. Some part of her felt it was the only thing protecting their relationship. She knew that it was irrational and more out of fear than anything else but she couldn’t help but fall victim to her insecurities. She may come off as all confident and grounded, but she wasn’t the most experienced with relationships. And this one was by all measurements, _serious_. They could really go the distance. But they were still getting their sea-legs back after being thrown overboard and Carina was worried that if she moved too fast, they’d be back in the deep-end again.

She also didn’t really want to use her relationship as fodder for hospital gossip, but one way or another, things would eventually come out anyway, so she might as well get in front of it. And it’s not like they were strangers – these were her friends. Colleagues. People she trusted. And no matter how much Carina wanted to keep their relationship for herself, everyone pretty much knew all of it anyway. She just wasn’t very big on the judging that would eventually follow.

“Fine!” Carina relented.

Jo all but squealed.

“But we have one more patient before we can go.” Carina stuffs her hands in the pocket of her coat and heads into the room, shaking her head, albeit with a small smile on her face.

Carina opens the door and enters. “Nicole Carter?”

“That’s me,” the patient answers. She’s lying upright on the examination table; her stomach, a small bump.

Jo follows her in, tablet in hand, and closes the door.

“How are you doing today?” Carina asks.

“I’m okay, just want to get this over with,” she says impatiently.

“Excuse her, she’s just anxious.” Another woman, presumably her partner, who stands by her side speaks up. “I’m Melanie – this one’s better half,” she jokes, trying to ease her partner’s nerves.

Carina gives her best, calming smile – one of the best tools she has in her disposal, especially when she knows her patient is also attracted to women. “It’s no problem. My name is Dr. DeLuca, this is Dr. Wilson, and we’ll be taking care you today, make sure everything is okay, okay?”

The patient nods and grabs her partner’s hand. Carina looks to Jo, urging her to start her presentation.

“Nicole Carter, 33, 10 weeks pregnant via IVF, came in to address cramps and unusual bleeding.”

Carina moves to pull a stool from the other side of the room and asks, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Uh, we were, um, we were at the hotel and I was just reading when I got this cramp all of a sudden and I started bleeding.”

Carina sits at the far end of the examination table and preps for the procedure, putting on her gloves and turning on the transvaginal ultrasound. “Are you new to Seattle?”

“No,” Nicole answers. “I grew up here – we’re here from L.A. visiting family.”

“We got a hotel because my in-laws can be… intense.”

Nicole laughs, “No, they _are_ intense. They radiate disappointment.”

“Nikki, was top of her class at Harvard Law but she decided to go into graphic design instead and it didn’t sit well with them.”

“ _Doesn’t sit well._ Seven years and they still harbor a grudge.”

“Thanksgiving and Christmas must’ve been fun this year then, huh?” Jo jokes.

“You have no idea,” they both answer simultaneously and grinning at each other after.

“Why’d you decide to change careers?” Jo asks.

Nicole shrugs, “I did the lawyer thing for a bit – got an associate position at a big fancy law firm and everything – but I just grew tired of it. When I first went to law school, I was really passionate about it but suddenly I blinked and four years had gone by and I was sitting in this cubicle filing papers for asshole lawyers and dealing with all this bureaucracy and it just suddenly dawned on me that I wasn’t happy. So I quit and never looked back. I’ve always wanted to be a graphic designer anyway but just pursued law because it made my parents happy.”

“And now, she’s one of the top designers at a big firm in L.A. She’s incredible.” Melanie coos.

“I totally get that.” Jo says.

“Did you change careers too?”

“Sort of, I was a general surgeon but some things happened in my life and it really wasn’t bringing me joy the way it used to. One day, I got pulled in to deliver a baby and that was… incredible. So, now I’m Dr. DeLuca’s fellow.”

“Ugh, a woman after my own heart. All my life, my parents wanted three things from me: to become a lawyer, to marry a well-off man, and grandkids.”

“At least you can give them grandkids,” Carina says.

“Yeah, one-out-of-three isn’t so bad when they got little babies in their arms,” She says, a little mischievous spark in her eyes. “We were going to tell my parents about my pregnancy and now…”

“I’m sure it’s fine, Nikki. Bleeding and cramping is common during the early stages of pregnancy and it wasn’t a lot. Your BP was a little high but that’s to be expected and this was the first time anything like this has happened ,” her partner assures her.

“Yes, it is common, but let’s take a look to see what’s causing it, okay?” Carina preps the wand and says, “Spread your legs for me.”

“Wow, that never stops being weird,” Nicole jokes and Carina chuckles.

“A little pressure, okay?” Nicole nods as Carina inserts the wand. She pulls the monitor closer to her and taps a few keys, zeroing in on the image and looking for any abnormalities.

“Are you a doctor as well?” Jo asks Melanie.

Melanie shakes her head, “No, I’m an EMT.”

Nicole looks up at her partner, “I seem to have a thing for heroes.”

“What do you mean?” Jo asks.

Nicole chuckles, “I’ve dated two firefighters and now I’m married to an EMT.

“Guess we’re part of the same club then,” Carina says. “My girlfriend is also a first responder – a firefighter.”

Before Nicole or Melanie have a chance to respond, Carina turns on the volume. A muffled bu-dum, ba-dum sound echoes throughout the room. “Is that our baby’s heartbeat?” Melanie interrupts.

Carina nods and gives them a smile, “It is.” Nicole and her partner look at each other in wonder and this pure love that Carina gets to see everyday is the best part of her job.

She looks around a bit further, double-checking her diagnosis, captures some images, then stops at one. She removes the wand, cleans it, sets it down, and turns the monitor to the expectant mothers.

“That’s your baby.” She points to a small lump on the monitor.

“We’re having a baby,” Melanie whispers, wonderstruck at the image. The couple holds onto each other’s hands tightly.

“It’s too early for the gender yet but everything seems okay with your baby; _bambino_ is perfectly healthy.”

That brings a big smile to the mothers, calming them, but then Nicole frowns, remembering, “But what about the bleeding? Is that-”

Carina gives her a small smile and nod. She turns to Jo, “Dr. Wilson, can you tell me what you see?”

Jo takes a step and examines the screen.

“There’s a subchorionic hemorrhage on the right side.”

“What does that mean? Is that bad?”

“It means a part of your placenta has detached itself from the wall of the womb. And a blood clot has formed between the space.” Jo points out the abnormality on the screen for them. “That’s what was causing the cramping and the bleeding. Yours is relatively small. But this isn’t unusual; you’ll still be able to bring the pregnancy to full-term. We just have to keep a close-eye on it.”

Nicole looks like she’s about to fret so Carina speaks, “Your condition can increase the risk of other complications but we caught this early, which is a very good thing. I can prescribe you progesterone to help mitigate further risks but the best thing you can do is have frequent, regular check-ups to monitor the situation. In the meantime, you’ll have to rest; no strenuous activities, no standing for long periods of time. And unfortunately, you’ll have to avoid having penetrative sex, but I’m sure that’s not the biggest problem for you two.” Carina gives them a knowing grin as she guides Nicole’s feet out of the stirrups and slides them back into place. She takes off her gloves and stands up.

“Oh thank god,” Nicole says, grinning up at her partner. “Perks of being with a woman.” Melanie smirks back.

Carina nods and smiles; she loves having same-sex couples in her care. “The best thing you can do is do all the things in a regular pregnancy – rest, drink plenty of fluids, eat right, take your prenatal vitamins, and check in with your OB. Do you have a one back home?”

Nicole nods, “We do. But I think I like you better; our OB back home is straight. No offense, but you’re not pinging on my gaydar,” she adds, directing it to Jo. “And your accent is nice to listen to.”

“None taken. Honestly I think my life would’ve been easier if I did like girls,” Jo jokes.

Carina chuckles, “You’re more than welcome to come see me whenever you’re in town.”

“Thank you, Dr. DeLuca.”

“Yes, thank you so much. I know I came in here all abrasive but I’m just really nervous about this whole thing.”

Carina steps forward, “It’s no problem, really. I understand, this can be a very anxious time.” She sits on the edge of the bed and assures the mama once again, “The hematoma is relatively small and not life-threatening – to you or your baby. And if anything does happen, you’re lucky to have a partner who’s medically trained.”

“Yeah, I’m really lucky to have her,” Nicole says, looking at her wife, squeezing her hand. Her wife leans down to meet her for a kiss, which Nicole gladly accepts.

“How’d you two meet?” Jo asks.

“At a coffee shop,” Melanie answers. “Well, outside of one, actually,” she corrects, laughing.

“I just moved to L.A. for a new job offer – the one I have now – and I had no idea where I was going. I was trying to get to the museum – I was meeting a client there – and I literally ran into Mel. Hot coffee down both our shirts.”

Carina grimaces. “That must’ve hurt.”

“Oh, it _stung_. We both had 1st degree burns on our chests but this one took care of it for the both of us until the paramedics came. They took us to the hospital to get it treated and they were insanely backed up, and she insisted to the doctors that they treat me first. I went by later to thank her, repay her for that coffee, and we ended up talking for the whole night. Definitely stood that client up but it was worth it.”

“I mean, I would’ve been a fool not to say yes.”

“It’s so funny ‘cause I swore off dating first responders but the first person I meet in L.A. is one.”

“Why’d you swear them off?” Carina asks.

“My last ex, he was great and knew a thing or two about overbearing mothers but then I literally ran into my other ex when he took me to his station to meet his team.” Nicole shakes her head, laughing at the memory. “And _that_ I was not expecting. ‘Cause she… woof, she was- that was a whole mess.”

“Messy breakup?” Jo asks.

“Something like that. I mean, we met before she was even a firefighter. And we were both pretty young but boy did she have commitment issues.”

“Wasn’t she in like the Olympics or something?” Melanie chimed in.

A glaring light-bulb goes off in Carina’s head.

 _Crap._ Carina shares a look with Jo as she stands back up, hands in her pockets.

Nicole laughs, “Yeah, she was a gold medalist in track. Her station – both of theirs, I guess – their station is actually like three blocks away.”

Carina stands back up, stuffs her hands in her pockets, and bites her cheek. She’s torn between trying desperately not to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, and letting her insecurities take over and ask all her pressing questions about Nicole’s past with Maya. Jack had mentioned Carina being Maya’s only real, serious relationship and with Nicole calling Maya her ex, she thinks there’s something Maya never told either of them.

Jo jumps in, “Melanie, can I ask you to help me fill out your OB’s information so we can send them Nicole’s chart?” 

“Um, sure.” Melanie says, a little taken aback by the change of subject, but squeezes her wife’s hand and follows Jo out anyway. She sends a little grateful look her way as she exits.

“So, what about your first responder?” Nicole asks, a blissfully unaware smile on her face and playful teasing in her voice.

She can’t hold back the laughter anymore. “Maya,” she says.

“I’m sorry?”

“My girlfriend… it’s Maya. Your commitment-phobe ex.”

“Oh my god,” Nicole blurts, immediately covering her mouth with her hands. “I’m so sorry. I would’ve never-”

Carina waves her off. “It’s okay, you didn’t know.”

“Oh my god,” Nicole says. “My ex’s current girlfriend just had her hands up my vagina to examine the baby I’m having with my wife. This has to be some kind of an elaborate prank.”

“Uh, no, I don’t think I would self-inflict this kind of awkwardness on myself. Or on you. And technically, it was a ultrasound, not my hands.”

Nicole gives her an incredulous look to which Carina laughs at.

She drops her head back onto the back of the examination table. “Ugh, this is so awkward.”

“ _Sì_ ,” Carina agrees.

After a beat, Nicole tilts her head to look at Carina. “So you’re the one, huh?”

“Pardon?”

Nicole sits back upright, shuffling to cross her legs. “You got Maya to commit. I never thought I’d live to see the day.”

She’s thrown by the lack of faith in Maya’s character but her mind focuses on the first bit. To be honest, Carina never thought of it like that. She knew that Maya never had any serious relationships before theirs, but then again, neither did she. Not like this one, anyway. She’d been so absorbed by her fear of Maya leaving again – whether by her own volition or by Carina’s actions or some external force – that she’d completely skipped over the fact that every day for the past six months, Maya had been showing her a complete, unreserved willingness to be a person different than what she had been; a person willing to commit. It wasn’t like Carina wasn’t privy to the change – she was well aware of all that Maya had said and done for her – but it wasn’t until this very moment that she finally internalized it.

“What happened between you two?” Carina asks, more curious than anything.

“Um, well, we met while I was still a lawyer – I was fresh out of law school and I just got an associates position at a firm in Seattle. We met at some bar and you know Maya – she’s beautiful and charming and headstrong – I was enamored. She had just won gold in the Olympics so she was also incredibly full of herself and that should’ve been a red flag but it wasn’t at the time. Things were fun and we continued… having fun for a bit. I mean, things were casual but I thought we were heading towards a relationship – we would spend a lot of time together and I was opening myself up. I knew she was dealing with something and I wanted to help her out but I guess I pushed too hard or something because the next thing I know she’s freaking out over the mention of being in a relationship and out the door.”

Carina knows that habit of Maya’s painfully well.

“And then she completely ghosted me. I didn’t know she became a firefighter until I was with Dean.”

Carina’s purses her lips, taking in all this information in. The information doesn’t necessarily surprise her – she knows Maya can be prickly and insensitive and isn’t the most adept at communication – but it does put everything into context. It actually… settles things for her.

“I mean, it’s been like 8 years since then and she’s probably changed – especially if you’re calling her your girlfriend. Though, I never really thought she would.”

At that, Carina tilts her head questioningly. “You said that before. Why?”

“I don’t know,” Nicole shrugs. “I mean, I knew Olympian Maya and she was completely against monogamy.” Nicole seems to be choosing her words carefully then, “…unflinching, cold even, and extremely stubborn.”

Carina knows those sides of Maya too. But she also knows how warm Maya can be; how shy, how loving, how playful she can be. “She’s definitely still stubborn.”

“I thought that she had opened up to me but it was all just window dressing.”

Carina must make a face when she doesn’t now an American idiom because Nicole explains further, “The things in the window of shops to make it look as if it represents the store and its products but it’s just really for show. If I’m being really honest, she had some shit going on that she didn’t know she had or was refusing to deal with. And every time I tried to help her, she shut down and shut me out. It didn’t make for the best relationship. She was really focused on _something_ but it wasn’t the relationship, or any relationship really. I also don’t think she had many friends – I never met a real one in my time with her. It was like her brain was going a hundred miles an hour and her body was constantly moving to catch up. I never figured out what it was she was so focused on.”

_Eyes forward._

To be honest, Carina still doesn’t really know where Maya’s looking to.

“I’m sorry if I was too blunt.”

“No,” Carina shakes her head. “It was honest. Thank you.”

“If this isn’t too forward – I would be cautious with her. I hope for your sake that the Maya you have is different from the Maya I had.”

//

“Okay, what?” Maya asks, exasperated.

They’re at Piccolo’s – Maya having picked up Carina after her shift. After, they’re headed to Maya’s place.

“What what?”

“You’ve been looking at me all weird since I picked you up. Do I have something on my face or…?” Maya unlocks her phone and presumably opens the camera app, moving to check her face.

Carina holds back a giggle, “No, you don’t have anything on your face, _bella_.”

“Then what?”

Carina takes a beat, letting Maya sweat a little. She lifts her glass of wine to her lips and right before she takes a sip says, “I ran into your ex today.”

Maya sputters, “W-what? How?” She looks like she’s racking her mind for who it could possibly be.

“She was a patient of mine today.”

Her brow creases. It’s really cute.

“You’re not going to tell me anything, are you?”

Carina makes a zip-and-lock gesture with her hand across her lips. “Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.”

“That doesn’t even apply.”

Carina just shrugs playfully.

“You’re really gonna make me guess?” Maya huffs but Carina stays silent, grinning in response.

“Fine. You have a terrible poker face, anyway,” she teases and Carina acts faux-offended but it’s true. “I mean I don’t have a lot of people I could even classify as an ex anyway, so…” Maya racks her brain and then it’s like a lightbulb goes off.

“It’s Nicole, isn’t it?” Taking a look at Carina, Maya smiles, “Yeah it was. I mean we weren’t even in an actual relationship but I guess yeah, she’s an ex. She probably did not have the best things to say about me.”

“She called you beautiful and charming,” Carina offers. Maya gives her a look.

“She also called you stubborn and commitment-phobic. And full of yourself. Aaand that you basically ghosted her – which is not a nice thing to do by the way.”

“I know. But she kept on pushing and pushing and trying to get me to be in a relationship – which I was pretty clear about not wanting and-”

“And you ran,” Carina finishes for her. There’s no malice in her voice but it does bring up a particular tough set of memories for the both of them.

Maya nods. “I ran.”

“She advised I be cautious with you.”

Maya leans back in her chair.

Carina leans back too, mirroring her, and adds, “I told her I have a different Maya than she had.”

“You do,” Maya says, her voice quiet, eyes laser-focused.

Maybe she does have some clue to where she’s looking to now.

Carina smiles, “I know.”

She takes a sip of her wine (Maya breaks off a part of her sfogliatella and munches on it) and lets this moment linger – the two of them looking at each other with knowing smiles and unspoken visions of the future – then says, “I can’t believe you and Dean dated the same person,” breaking the spell.

Maya chuckles, “Why would you say that?”

“Makes you think about how such a small world this is. And plus, you guys are so different.”

“Cause he’s so put together and I’m not?”

Carina smirks, “You’re the one that said it.” She steals away a bit of sfogliatella before Maya has time to slap her hand away. She laughs. “And ‘cause he actually respects Jazz music,” she teases.

“Ugh, not this again. How many times do I have to tell you: I don’t hate jazz. I just find it… boring.”

Carina shakes her head, “How did I end up with someone who has terrible taste in music?”

Maya scoffs. “Well, we both have the same taste in women.”

“Yeah? What kind of woman is that?” 

Maya looks at her then, her eyes laser-focused again. It sends chills down Carina’s spine. She knows this look – it’s the one that precedes knee-weakening kisses and charm offensives. “Beautiful ones.”

Carina blushes anyway. “Smooth.”


End file.
